What’s That Thing Called?

What is that thing called that makes you think all kinds of negative thoughts?

That thing that goes on for a few days, then you go back to normal?

The vicious cycle that comes and goes when you least expect it.

The thing that gets fed every time you are stressed, losing sleep, don’t meet deadlines, etc.

The feeling you get when you are on your period and your hormones are out of whack.

What is it called when you have mood swings, low energy, irritability, depression, anger, anxiety and negativity that come out of nowhere?

When you want to scream at the world for making you this way. Because everything just happens to you all at once. You get slammed with all kinds of crazy problems back to back before you were able to heal from the last one.

That feeling you get when you want to push everyone away, but you don’t want to be left alone.

The feeling that all you want to do is scream at the people closest to you and tell them how grateful you are for them, but you can’t because every time you open your mouth, it isn’t nice. At the same time, you don’t want to be left alone and feel clingy and lonely for no reason at all

The feeling of not even knowing what you want.

That causes anxiety because you are just looking for something to stop this feeling, and nothing is working.

The feeling of wanting to do something drastic like climb up the side of the cliff, but curling up in a ball and crying sounds good too.

What is it when being social takes up too much energy, but you put on your face anyway and you be nice? There’s a word for it…

You hate fighting and arguing, but you can’t stop. All you want to do is cry at this point because you can’t say anything nice, but that’s all you want to do.

You want to scream it from the rooftops, but you can’t because of this thing…

Nothing is wrong, yet nothing is right.

Oh, I know what it is.

It’s called depression. And all these things listed on this site are true. And I hate it.

I hate I have to feel this way for no reason. The people around me have to deal with me when I feel like this too, and it makes it so much worse. I hate that I’m hurting them. I hate that I feel like this. I wish there was a magic wand that could make me not feel these things. But there isn’t a “cure” for depression. If there is, I don’t know what it is nor has that been shared with the world.

It’s been recommended to me before to try a gratitude journal. So, I’m writing the first thing that’s been on my mind all day. I am deeply, truly grateful for my boyfriend who is trying so hard to understand me and what I need. He puts up with me and all that comes with me. It’s so frustrating to not be able to tell him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t even know what I want, or what I’m feeling. I’ve been on the other side of depression too, and I know how helpless that can make people feel. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate you (because I know you are reading this). You are my soul mate and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you. You were made for me.

Secondly, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, be able to put food on the table, and clothes on my back. Some people aren’t so fortunate to have all 3. Whatever 1st world problems I’m dealing with aren’t as bad when you think about how some people don’t even have enough food to feed their families.

 

Homeless

Sitting here at the Laundromat. fucking I hate this place. I hate waiting for my clothes, I hate loading them up and taking them somewhere to do them. I miss MY washer and dryer, the convenience of doing laundry whenever I want, and I was spoiled by the high efficiency. I also hate I have to pay $15-$20 each week to do laundry, yet this was supposed to be ‘included’ in the utilities I paid..along with internet at my house that I don’t have. Not necessarily a fan of the people who come here either. If I was pregnant or brought all 10 of my 1/2naked kids with me, I wouldn’t stand out like a sore thumb. Or if I was a Asian. Well, I guess I don’t always come alone… I bring Jinx with me.

laundromat
I want my washer and dryer back. I want a kitchen. I want to be able to use the internet when I want to…and not rack up a giant bill on my cell phone because I have to use a hotspot service. I miss having a bedroom. I want to feel like I have a home again. I can sleep in the back of my truck and feel just as comfortable as I do when I’m at my ‘place of sleeping and business’. This is because I don’t have a ‘home’. It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel the same. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m so close. I’m trying to hang in, but it’s like a carrot being dangled in front of me, and instead of teaching me to be patient and be strong, it’s teasing me and pissing me off and draining all my energy. When I go to reach for it, it’s taken away and the world laughs at me. Yeah, I know, the world isn’t out to get me. Shut up, I don’t want to hear it.

I have a lot more than some people, so I feel like I should be grateful for what I have. I’m trying, trust me. I’m trying to remember what I felt like when I wrote my last post. I’m trying to get back there and hang on to that feeling. Because I feel like I’ve lost it and I’ve fallen into the trap I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. Yep, I’m there. I tried to fight it and mentally will myself to not be here…and I think I did postpone it for a long time. But now, here I am.

I’ve realized it’s not about WHAT I have, but more about MENTALLY where I am. It’s hard to explain. I have a place to live, but I’m homeless. Why? It’s not mine, I’m not safe or comfortable there, my livelihood is threatened pretty regularly in this place, and I am paying a shit ton of money to have even that. I feel robbed, lied to, taken advantage of, and I feel like in many ways, I AM homeless. I can have a roof over my head in a lot of places. I feel like I am living in my workshop. What’s it all for? What’s the payoff for what I’m doing to myself? I feel like it’s coming, and I’ve literally sacrificed my stable home for it. I took a risk. I weighed it, and a bunch of things went wrong that led me to this situation. So now I’m here… down to the final weeks before my next big adventure starts and I’m crashing.

I guess I’m finally feeling the effects of the go-go-go mentality I’ve had for months. I’m losing it. I have an awesome support system, I have people who will help me this time, I have a plan…. So why am I fading now? I’m hanging in, but I just want to curl up in a corner and watch the world keep turning without me. I won’t… because I don’t have a choice. But I’m also not going to be happy about it. I’ve noticed I have less motivation to do the things I’ve worked so hard for. Like training for my race this weekend. I should really train… like at all this week. Or doing dishes… yeah, I should do those at some point. Whatever, why? For who? I don’t care. Leave them.

I should be researching sound proofing, landscaping, fencing, costs on how much it’s going to take to refinish flooring in the barn and putting up walls. I should be inputting my clients’ paperwork into my computer, getting my phone fixed (broke it … again), being proactive in this particular living situation that is now urgently pressing upon me. But I don’t have it in me. So I’m here, at the Laundromat, doing laundry because that’s productive right? There. I’m doing something. I got out of bed, and I’m doing laundry. Bare minimum to keep me going.

I go from handling stress well to it all blowing up in my face. I got it, really, I’m fine, I can do everything by myself all the time because I’m fucking super woman…Just kidding, I’m not and I don’t have a handle on anything, actually. There’s no build up, it’s just one minute I’m fine, and the next I’m not. Yeah, it’ll pass, I know. I don’t feel like I’m being dramatic; feelings are feelings, and this is what I feel. I’m stuck because I don’t have time to feel like this, and all my energy should be spent on my business, and fighting for my living situation. But I feel like if I don’t stop, I am going to burn out. I’m at the point where I feel it happening already, and I don’t see a break in sight. I don’t see a good stopping place, and in the near/immediate future, I’m actually starting a much bigger project. I feel like I need to get out and run away for a few days. I tried to over the weekend, but it just wasn’t enough. I need some actual recharge time… oh wait, I forgot. I’m a business owner, and a dog trainer no less. That doesn’t happen. I gave that up. I’ll quit bitching now and buck up and do what I’m supposed to do. Which is doing fucking laundry.

I DID IT!

Heather Hamilton Project K9 at K9 LifelineThis last week was exhausting and incredibly informative. I’m so happy I was able to do this, and that I had this opportunity. In my opinion, going to K9 Lifeline and working with Heather Beck and her incredible staff opened up a world of possibilities. They are a Harvard of dog training schools.

I learned so many new things, including becoming proficient in the E-collar and the prong collar. Two tools I was hesitant to use because I didn’t know how to use them correctly. Now, I am completely comfortable, and I can only get better with practice. These are not ‘pain training’ tools when used correctly. They are very powerful, and if used correctly, the dogs will love them! Napoleon gets so excited when I break out the E-collar to do training! I worked on a few bad habits I had with the Halti as well. I had the opportunity to run the daycare with a few of K9 Lifeline’s finest, and learned so much from watching the behavior during this time.

On top of that, I learned how much work it really is to have a facility. Whew! They were understaffed a few people, so we did some of the everyday work as well as learning all the new material for our certifications. It was fun, and educational, and a complete eye opener! I love anything dog, even if it’s picking up poop, but it was a lot of work to care for 50 dogs, while making sure all the interactions were appropriate. Yeah, I’m obsessed. They say that to become great, you must be obsessed with your work. Well, I can honestly say I’m obsessed.

Heather Hamilton Project K9 at K9 Lifeline working with Ginger

I learned more about owner/dog relationships and how that can change when the owner leaves the picture. The dog came in because she was very possessive of the owner. The owner left, and the dog was great. Owner came back, and she turned into a completely different dog. Never seen that happen before. The relationship between dogs in the same household can change as well when they are removed from that environment. I mean, it makes sense, but I never really thought about it before. There were a few dogs who came in who did not get along at home, but each dog got along with all the other dogs in the room. Very interesting to see how that changed once we got them together.  Very educational to see that. I haven’t worked with issues like that, but at least I know how to handle it now if I do get a case like that.

I have all the tools necessary to handle any behavioral issue, but I think I’ll still go pretty slow and wait a while on aggression cases, difficult dogs, etc. I am completely fine with working with happy go lucky dogs, doing basic obedience, teaching calm state of mind, working with puppies and doing leash work. If I feel I’m up to it, I will take a difficult case, but I have no shame in referring another trainer, either. I want to challenge myself, but in a safe way. And I have fantastic support from other trainers in my area if I need help as well.

I had a breakdown day 4. I seriously had a panic attack in front of everyone, and it was because of a series of events that caused it to happen. Me, being there, getting my certification and learning all the new information was completely overwhelming, exhausting, and I was completely ecstatic that I was able to do this. Then, realizing that I have done a lot of work with my boy, Napoleon. But, he won’t be as calm as I want him to be. He’s just not that type of dog. Which made me sad and made me feel like I failed. Then, I felt guilty because I felt he didn’t make enough progress and that I needed a different dog. Which isn’t the case. He’s my furbaby, and I love him, and I’m not the type of person to give up my animals. I had to realize that he’ll never be a super calm dog. Then, I had the sting of pain as a reminder that the decision to put down Ryder was first discussed right before the Difficult Dog workshop at this facility. Which, in turn reminded me of putting him to sleep. And how I couldn’t fix him. 2 very reputable trainers have told me they would have made the same decision. That’s comforting, but at the same time, it still brings pain because of the decision the family and I had to make. I know I can’t keep reliving it, I can’t dwell on it, and I have to get over it. And I am, in my own time. Just… I have never put a dog to sleep before, much less someone else’s dog. As much as I want to say he wasn’t my dog, he had a special place in my heart, and that can’t be replaced. It will mend with time. The experience I had this week brought this to the surface and I had to face it. Then, at our Saturday Social, I saw another dog who looks just like Ryder. He is a little taller and has a bit more weight on him, but same color, and same problems. He was adopted the day before he was put to sleep. It was luck, and his owner is the right owner for him.  This doesn’t happen all the time, and I have to realize that. I don’t want to say I’m ‘stuck’ in these thoughts, but it is taking quite a while to ‘get over it’.

My therapist says it will take as long as it takes. Which is true, but I wish it would hurry along. I’m not angry anymore. I don’t blame myself or anyone else. I just miss him. It’s all just missing him. I miss having a great dane at my place, and I miss his dopey, cute face. I don’t miss his attitude, but I do miss working with him. I had a very strong bond with this dog, so for me – it’s just getting over that he’s not coming back.  It’s not even about the decision anymore. I know it was right, and I’m at peace with that. Just sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with how much I miss him. I will get better at this, and I’ll get over it. Doesn’t make it any less sad, but I have to move on. Everyone is right – this can’t rule my life, and I can’t keep reliving it.

This side of me – you won’t see this when I’m training or when I’m being professional. I can ‘turn off’ my feelings and be professional. I talk about this in my blog because it helps me, and I hope it helps other people as well. I will tell my friends who want to know how I’m doing, my family, and people who I feel comfortable enough with to actually talk about it.

I haven’t broke down in public in YEARS. As embarrassing as it was, I had wonderful people around me, and everyone understood. They helped me talk about it, and express how I was feeling without feeling like I was completely vulnerable. I felt safe.

Anyway, on a happier note…

Heather Beck and Heather Hamilton

Heather Beck and Heather Hamilton

I got my certification! I did it! And I’m a fully fledged dog trainer now! I have to thank K9 Lifeline and their staff, Wasatch Canine Camp, my family and friends, and everyone who gives me support every day. Everyone who reads my blog and makes encouraging comments as well. You people give me the strength to keep going.

As hard as it was, I returned to my day job this week, and realized I am changing my life so I can do what I love. I think about dogs all day, about my technique and how I can improve it, and I can’t wait to go home and practice on my own dog, so I can have even more confidence when I work with client’s dogs. I look forward to the end of every single work day so that I can work with dogs. I’m now offering board and train options, which I am super excited about, as I am confident I know what I’m doing now. I can always make improvements, and I’ll continue to go to workshops, seminars, and learn new techniques to add to my tool belt.

Now, I just have to focus on advertising to get more clients for when I make the final jump.

I DID IT!!

Vulnerable

brickwallYou know the feeling of mentally drowning? The feeling of the world pressing down on you so much that it makes you feel so small, unimportant, and helpless?

Ok, maybe some of you don’t. This feeling makes me feel like it’s better for the world if I just cease to exist. It has been a while since I have thought about suicide.

Well, that feeling came back again today. And thoughts of my own demise comforted me. It’s like a security blanket, that when the world suffocates me, I at least have these feelings of release. An out, if you will.

I can’t seem to not cry. I can’t stop. The tears fall, and the thoughts start up again. And because my spouse doesn’t understand the feeling of having the comforting feeling of suicide, he says I’m selfish for thinking that way. Now making me feel guilty, once again. It’s not his fault. But… I don’t have anyone else.

It seems easier to not say anything at all.

I’m not judged. I die inside silently where no one can see. Sometimes, I feel so brave to ask for help, to talk about my emotions and expose a vulnerable part of me. And it seems, all too often, I’m poked with an electric stick and I regret talking at all.

This stems from mistakes that were made. Mistakes that were my fault solely. I take responsibility for my actions, I always have. However, I also take on more than I handle. This isn’t the first time, and it isn’t the last. This is a mistake I will continue to make. Because I challenge myself. Sometimes, I put myself in positions where I set myself up to fail. This is one of those times.

When I make a mistake, I can admit it, and I can learn from it. When I make a bunch of mistakes all around the same time, or on the same day, it builds up. I wish it would go away, and I could crawl in a hole and just have the world pass me by.

But I can’t, and it doesn’t stop. It seems I finally get into a mental state of ‘peace’ or whatever, and then one thing happens, then another. I’m overwhelmed, then I make a mistake. All the problems are unrelated, but in turn – they are related. And all of a sudden, my mental state crumbles and the brick wall protecting me is gone.

I’m a snail without its shell, and I’m sitting in the sun, baking. Can’t get into the grass, and can’t protect myself. Someone has to come save me or I will die.

I think it’s time to call my therapist again. I’m sinking back into the darkness. Again, and the nightmares started again last night.  No sleep. No dreams, just the demon. Back again from the graveyard of my mind. I thought I had buried that guilt so far into my mind that I wouldn’t see him again.

If I could take a vacation, I wouldn’t use it to travel or to do something fun. I would use it to take care of myself, and go to a mental institution to have someone fix the way I think.

Is that possible? To have someone just get in there, pop the hood, and change the oil? … in a brain? I hope so… because mentally, I’m done. I’m just going to let the thoughts of suicide comfort me for now. I’ll let the tears fall, and have some of myself die in the process.

I’m surprised I have any pieces left. I should just be an empty shell of a person by now.