What’s That Thing Called?

What is that thing called that makes you think all kinds of negative thoughts?

That thing that goes on for a few days, then you go back to normal?

The vicious cycle that comes and goes when you least expect it.

The thing that gets fed every time you are stressed, losing sleep, don’t meet deadlines, etc.

The feeling you get when you are on your period and your hormones are out of whack.

What is it called when you have mood swings, low energy, irritability, depression, anger, anxiety and negativity that come out of nowhere?

When you want to scream at the world for making you this way. Because everything just happens to you all at once. You get slammed with all kinds of crazy problems back to back before you were able to heal from the last one.

That feeling you get when you want to push everyone away, but you don’t want to be left alone.

The feeling that all you want to do is scream at the people closest to you and tell them how grateful you are for them, but you can’t because every time you open your mouth, it isn’t nice. At the same time, you don’t want to be left alone and feel clingy and lonely for no reason at all

The feeling of not even knowing what you want.

That causes anxiety because you are just looking for something to stop this feeling, and nothing is working.

The feeling of wanting to do something drastic like climb up the side of the cliff, but curling up in a ball and crying sounds good too.

What is it when being social takes up too much energy, but you put on your face anyway and you be nice? There’s a word for it…

You hate fighting and arguing, but you can’t stop. All you want to do is cry at this point because you can’t say anything nice, but that’s all you want to do.

You want to scream it from the rooftops, but you can’t because of this thing…

Nothing is wrong, yet nothing is right.

Oh, I know what it is.

It’s called depression. And all these things listed on this site are true. And I hate it.

I hate I have to feel this way for no reason. The people around me have to deal with me when I feel like this too, and it makes it so much worse. I hate that I’m hurting them. I hate that I feel like this. I wish there was a magic wand that could make me not feel these things. But there isn’t a “cure” for depression. If there is, I don’t know what it is nor has that been shared with the world.

It’s been recommended to me before to try a gratitude journal. So, I’m writing the first thing that’s been on my mind all day. I am deeply, truly grateful for my boyfriend who is trying so hard to understand me and what I need. He puts up with me and all that comes with me. It’s so frustrating to not be able to tell him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t even know what I want, or what I’m feeling. I’ve been on the other side of depression too, and I know how helpless that can make people feel. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate you (because I know you are reading this). You are my soul mate and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you. You were made for me.

Secondly, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, be able to put food on the table, and clothes on my back. Some people aren’t so fortunate to have all 3. Whatever 1st world problems I’m dealing with aren’t as bad when you think about how some people don’t even have enough food to feed their families.

 

Uphill Battle

Depression is debilitating. Literally, you can’t work through it. Motivation goes out the window, your body hurts, you can’t focus, you feel like crap, and you just want to sleep. It does go away, it does get better. But in those moments, you feel like you will never be happy again.

You try to do things that make you happy, but all it does is just makes things worse because you are forcing yourself to do something. I find it’s easier to do something you don’t want to do, because you’re not going to like it regardless of your state of mind.

Everything is negative. Everything is stupid. And you don’t want to do anything anyway. Just sleep. Well, guess what? You wake up and you still feel the same. Doesn’t help anything. Everything in life is dull and you fail to see beauty and happiness in the things that used to make you happy.

Getting past the hump of when depression is the worst is the most challenging task I think I have ever done. You just have to keep truckin’ and not let the darkness take over. I have mentioned before what it’s like when the demons take over your conscious as well as your unconscious. It’s terrifying, and I won’t let it happen again. So, I’m fighting this uphill battle with trying to stay on top of my emotions.

jainismI attended a chakra and archetype class a few months ago where I started to learn more about the religion of “Jainism”. I started researching, as it sounded very similar to what I believe in, and it’s very in line with my deep morals and beliefs. I feel I have become less spiritual lately, and want to focus again on bettering myself and rising above all this negativity in the world. If you are interested in learning more about Jainism, it’s basically the principle and practice of nonviolence. They don’t believe in a single God, but they do believe in many Gods who have achieved enlightenment. I don’t have the mental capacity yet to say I want to achieve enlightenment. I mean, that sounds great, but I can’t grasp that concept in my real life. What I do really appreciate about this particular religion is the atmosphere and feeling that we should fill the world with love and peace and not even let our thoughts be negative towards another person or thing. To just love. Not that I’ve entirely forgotten about that, but I notice I’m not actively practicing it, and I am allowing the energy of outside influences affect my inner peace.

Some of the things that almost always interrupt my peace is what’s happening in the world. A big one right now is the political debate. Voting time is upon us, and the news, the internet, social medias, and everyone’s thoughts are a revolving door of new, negative, and heated things about each candidate. Personally, I feel politics are out of the scope of what I’m here for. I stay out of it, not because I plead ignorance, but because I feel there are bigger problems of the overall mindset of the country. Placing law after law, and solving the symptoms of a bigger problem will not resolve anything. Take for example a dog who pulls on the leash. Putting on a harness, a prong collar, or any other training tool will not solve the issue. What is the issue then if it’s not pulling? THAT is the right question, now isn’t it? It’s the mindset of the dog who thinks it’s ok to pull on the leash. Stop the mindset and it doesn’t matter what tool (if any) you have on the dog. It’s not about the tool, it’s about teaching the dog pulling isn’t an option anymore. All behavioral issues have solutions if you change the neurological pathways on how they reach a decision. Which means teaching the dog to think. Teach people to THINK instead of REACT to everything and you have a solution. Fix the bigger problem, not the symptoms.

jainism2Anyway, struggling with motivation to work today, and I just need to buck up and get ‘er done. I don’t have a lot of on my plate work-wise right now, which is nice, because it seems I can’t handle much more than what I have now. We are working on the dog house this weekend, and the project seems very daunting. I’m sure it won’ be that bad, but this is work I haven’t done before, and with very little mental energy, I’m hoping more than anything I won’t just get in the way. I’m going to have to be taught, which means it will take longer to get things done. And constant teaching and supervising is exhausting, so I kind of feel like I have to be a fast learner. And in my current state of mind, I’m hoping I can pull it together.

Practicing lots of calming breathing exercises today, and listening to my meditation mixes. Just doing the bare minimum so that everything that needs to get done, is done, and then taking time to uplift my spirit today. For every one task, it seems it’s taking me so very long to prepare. I have used schedules in the past for myself to keep myself on track so I don’t become unproductive. That helps if I actually care. It’s when I don’t care that it’s a task to even follow a pre determined schedule. So send me positive, happy vibes and maybe I’ll have enough in reserve to come up with some positive, happy thoughts for myself today. I am trying my best.