Blindsided

Blindsided with news that hits you like you’ve been punched in the gut. It makes you feel like you were set up. Betrayed, even though this was long before you were in the picture. It’s nonsensical, but logic doesn’t have a place in emotions. Emotions don’t always make logical sense.

Just because it was in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. Old news from the past brought up in the present, is the present to the people who weren’t there. It’s new news, and a fresh trauma. That’s was life is… trauma after trauma. We just get better at dealing with it.

Avoiding the issue and burying it doesn’t fix anything. Just leaves a giant mess to deal with later. Typically, when left alone, these things have a tendency to get bigger. Rip it open. Talk about it. Listen and be compassionate towards each other. Accept there are differences, changes, pasts, and mistakes. But that’s easier said than done. Emotions get in the way.

You visualize it because you are a creative, emotionally intelligent person. You play it out in your head like you are watching a movie. You see it all happening in front of you like it’s real, playing over and over. Like it’s right now, and you are just watching on the sidelines. There’s nothing you can do but just “watch”. It’s so real, you can almost hear it. You feel dizzy and feel your heart in your throat. But if you make the smallest sound, the floodgates of emotion will consume you.

So you say nothing, sit in silence. You want to throw up. The blow in the gut makes you nauseous. Wait until the threatening choking feeling resides. You try to remind yourself this was in the past. Try to talk yourself down and hide the hurt because it doesn’t make sense. You can’t. You can’t because emotions aren’t logical. So you lash out. You question everything. You doubt because you’re hurt. You ask questions you never thought of before. Emotions are threatening to cause as much damage as possible. So you swallow it to avoid making it worse. You just hurt more.

Vulnerability can make people mean. Make them angry and defensive. So, eventually someone gets angry and lashes out. The other gets defensive. There’s a big fight. There are tears, and there are wounds getting deeper and deeper. The more lashes, the more yelling, the more damage is done. But underneath everything is just hurt. Hurt drives all the symptomatic feelings and causes the problems.

You have to get out. Fight or flight. Fighting made it worse, so you leave. You leave to cry and mope and scream and feel the hurt. You’ve learned to sit with your anger, your sadness, your hurt. You’ve learned to feel it, because only then, you can process it.

A Promise

You know when a song comes on the radio, and it’s the montage of your life right now? It reminds you of all the pain and suffering you are going through? Well, that’s how my day started. I wanted to escape for a bit, so I put in my headphones, got geared up and went out on a bike ride. A song that reminds me of the love of my life. A song that reminds me of all the good things, and I think positive, happy thoughts. This may be borderline intrusive to his privacy, but he’s hurting. And all I want to do is take the pain away. I guess I am falling into the ‘fix it’ trap. I want to fix it. I want to take all his pain and dissolve it into the universe. He doesn’t need it, and nor does anyone else. I want him to feel light and happy, and I’ll do anything to make that happen. That’s what this song reminded me of.

I go on my bike ride, and listen to positive, uplifting songs, and think about the good times, laughing, smiling, happiness, and bright, healing light enveloping him. I just think about sharing love and happiness. I think about healing light and happy thoughts. I’m ripped out of my own head by a sharp pain in my right ankle. I look down, and a dog is fucking biting me. WTF? Are you serious?! I crash, and kick it in the head. Wow, ok. Remind me to never leave the house again. I already can’t walk my dogs in the neighborhood because of off leash dogs attacking us. Now, I go alone on a bike ride, and a dog attacks me?! I kick him in the head repeatedly until he stops. Well, neighborhood dog walks, pack walks, non-dog walks, and now bike rides are off the table. What a great start to the day…

I’ve been struggling and trying really hard to stay positive. I’ve been dragging my ass out of bed to try to take care of everything. To try to smile and have it be real. To have real fun, instead of faking it. To enjoy the company of others instead of just want to crawl into my hole. Getting out of the house in itself is a challenge. I have to mentally prepare myself to go. I have to mentally prepare to present myself to other people. I guess it’s a mandatory evil when you teach people for a living. When I see 5-10 people a day, it’s exhausting to put on a happy smiley face every day. Sometimes, the faking it actually does help. When people say “thank you”, or “you’re amazing”, it’s like it just goes over my head. They’re saying that because they have to, not because they actually mean it. I’m the same as everyone else. I don’t bring anything special to the table. I’m just another person with another job.

I’m also trying to tell myself I’m worth something. That I matter. That I’m important. I don’t recognize myself much these days. I thought I left these feelings behind. I thought I was over it. When I tell myself I’m important, I really don’t believe it. I try so hard, but for what? I don’t see a change I’m making on the world. I don’t see my ‘big life’ I thought I had. My ‘big dreams’ I thought I had. They are just distractions, and they’re bullshit. I thought I was strong, that I was a ‘warrior’. Someone told me that once, and I felt it gave me power. Now, I don’t see it. I just see a weak, frail person in a disgusting body. I feel ugly. Not just on the outside, but on the inside, too. I don’t like my body. I don’t like what’s inside it either. I don’t like this person I’ve become.

I feel like I’m starting over. Like the journey I took before faded, and now I need to do it again. What was my regime? Oh yeah, writing a lot more, working out every day, eating crazy healthy, spending more time with friends, positive outlooks, and literally no booze, no electronics, setting goals for myself, and just enjoying nature. I want to feel better, so I guess I can do that. I went through a self-destructive phase where I wanted to cause as much damage as possible. I was a wrecking ball. I drank too much, used people, and alienated the most important people in my life until they left me forever. Bridges burned for an eternity. I don’t want to make the same mistakes, and I feel it happening already. I can feel the anger starting to come back. So, I need to stop this before it escalates into destroying my life… again.

I’m making a promise to myself. I can be the biggest rebel in the world by not allowing negativity to swallow me. That’s the popular option. That’s what everyone does. So, I don’t want to be like everyone. Rising up IS the counter culture.

So, I’m making a promise:

  • I won’t drink. I will take care of my body and only put in things that help me.
  • I won’t be a party animal. I won’t allow my judgment to be impaired. I can still have a good time without the use of drugs and alcohol.
  • I will make an effort to set work out goals for myself. I will compete if I have to.
  • I won’t abuse myself or others. When I hurt, I’ll spread love, not give into the anger.
  • I will find the positive in everything. No matter how bad things get.
  • I won’t yell, scream, lose my temper, or be impatient. I’ll listen.
  • I will spend time with myself every day. Really spend time with myself and allow myself to validate any feelings that come up.
  • I’ll be gentle with myself.
  • I’ll go to the mountains several times a week to meditate and ground myself.
  • I won’t succumb to negative self talk. I will stop thinking of things that hurt me, and turn it around into a strength.
  • I will create a happy place for my soul to emotionally live.
  • I will acknowledge the feelings, and I will protect myself. I will create healthy emotional boundaries to protect myself spiritually.
  • I will keep my heart center open. But I will not allow myself to be abused emotionally, psychologically, or physically.
  • I will tell myself I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
  • I will tell myself this is not my fault. Assigning blame is negative self talk.
  • I will tell myself I have people who care deeply about me. Even if in the moment I don’t know who they are.
  • I will tell myself I am not alone. I am not alone.
  • I will tell myself that this too shall pass. That this is another breakdown to breakthrough. Smile and let the tears fall, because pain can be beautiful. Feelings are beautiful.

When we feel, truly allow ourselves to feel those emotions, we acknowledge them, and then let them go. Numbing them, stuffing them down, or trading them for anger and hate are not dealing with them. History will keep repeating itself unless we deal with the baggage.

I’ll be ok. I’ll make it through. I’ll take care of myself. I’ll be gentle. I won’t beat myself up. I won’t succumb to the darkness that took over my life before.

Oh, want to know what the song was to start all this? “Ophelia” by the Lumineers. It always makes me think of my love, Rob.

Repeat What We Don’t Repair

I have had writer’s block lately. Maybe it’s because I haven’t learned any new profound lessons. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt numb lately, because feelings don’t make sense. I’m shutting them out. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything to write about… Because my life is so uneventful (doubtful). I’m emotionally blocked. I’m disconnected. I have disassociation, and I know it. I’m ungrounded.

No time or energy left for anything fun. Just work. Work keeps me busy and off the streets. It’s a distraction so I don’t have to think or feel. Keeps the emotional roller coaster at bay. Because if I were to acknowledge feelings, it would all be too much. I guess. I don’t know for sure. I’m just disconnected right now. I can’t feel.

Be a rock. Be strong. Don’t let emotions overcome you. I don’t. I won’t. And then there’s a crack in my solid foundation. Being a rock isn’t enough. So, I cave and I feel it. Just for a minute, I feel it. Then, just as quickly the moment came, it’s gone. I’m only allowed a moment to feel, then wall up again. It’s safer this way. Be a rock.

I’m re-reading the “Healing from Trauma” book by Jasmin Lee Cori. Remember my original post on it? I’ve read it several times, and each time, I have a different take away. We have all experienced trauma, we all have stuff, and we are not alone. Our “stuff” is not that different from anyone else’s. Other people have felt what I feel. Other people’s brains have done the same thing. I am a uniquely special person (that may be a stretch), but my traumas are not “special”. It doesn’t affect my brain differently than anyone else’s. I don’t know why this is just dawning on me. I’ve read this book multiple times, and I’ve written about it lots. I’ve talked to people, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve waded through the shit, fell through the pitfalls, and endured the storms. How have I not made that connection? I’m not special in this way, and that’s a good thing. And I’ve worked hard to get back what was stolen from me.

But at what cost?

Another blog I wrote a few years ago that’s relevant to this new post is this one. I guess I like to revisit my old writings from time to time. See what I’ve learned before, and notice the patterns. The patterns of it happening again. I’m going through the same feelings, it’s familiar. I’m thinking the same thoughts, and I know I’ve done this before. I feel like life is on repeat until I figure it out. I feel like the pain will continue until I figure out this damn lesson the universe wants me to learn so badly. I just want to get through the shit and see the rainbow.

Lesson

Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of others. You hear it on airplanes when they go over the safety protocols. You hear it in therapy, and you hear it with family counseling. What if you are falling apart?

It happens to all of us at some point. Where life is too much, and you just aren’t enough. Everyone wants a piece of you, and all you want to do is run away. You want to quit. You want to start over. Worst part… running away and starting over doesn’t work. Your problems follow you.

Time does interesting things. It isn’t linear. We live in the past, the present, and the future all at once. Our memories haunt us, our present is too hard, and the future is daunting. How do you get to a point where you accept your past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future? Where does it start?

Time is funny. You had a fight, or you handled a situation a certain way when you were younger. It didn’t get resolved. You made a mistake, said the wrong thing, whatever. Years later, you have another fight, and history repeats itself. We see it all the time in politics. Certain patterns that constantly repeat. Guess what, it’s in our day-to-day too. Problems you had with your ex will present itself again with your current partner. They will continue to present themselves until you actually make an active effort to change. Time is funny that way. It reminds you that it controls everything, and if you don’t address all your stuff, it will just come back. And typically, a little more harshly each time.

When life gets to be too much, it’s typically because you haven’t taken care of yourself. It’s your body, your mind, and your psyche screaming at you to pay attention. Self care. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal wounds, and ask for support from the people closest to you.

When things get hard, just buckle down and get through it. It always gets better. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. That’s something I’ve learned in the last several years. I’ve noticed when it gets to the point where you don’t think you can handle any more, that’s when something changes. That’s when there’s a break in the storm, and you can see the sun through the clouds.

We are presented with pain and trauma for a reason. I always think it’s to teach us something. We are better people for what lessons we learn from our experiences. I’m trying to learn from this experience what I am supposed to learn. The universe is trying to tell me something. I have fallen from my spiritual routine, and have lost something. I don’t feel as connected as I usually do, and I struggle daily to be grounded. I try to find time every day to meditate, spend time with nature, and be thankful for what I do have. But it’s hard. Because I have a dream of what I want.

I want to minimalize as much as possible. I want to shed my material possessions, shed my burdens, and live with just enough. I don’t need a million dollars, or a big house, or lots of nice things. I just want enough space to live in peacefully, travel to interesting, fun places, and to enjoy life. The lifestyle I want is incredibly simple. So why does life have to be so complicated?

Kind of off topic, but it also brings up something I’ve been working on putting in place. Something I’ve been researching is how to have a simpler, stress-free lifestyle. And some commonalities I’m noticing are : Less stuff = more time to do what you want. This means less electronics, less toys, less stuff, less house, less busyness. Get rid of everything that causes stress. Clutter, electronics, cell phones, facebook, negative people, etc.

So, my plan is to move my business into a commercial building. Then, once I can call my house a home again, I fix it up, sell it. In the process, also selling much of our stuff so we have less to move. Move into smaller place, or even an RV/mobile home type thing. Pay in full. No mortgage payment. Less stuff to take care of. Less space to clean. More freedom to do what we want. We won’t need the income we had before, and I can work less. I can actually have hobbies. With work out of the home, decluttering finished, and more time on my hands, I feel I would be on my way to a much less stressful life. That’s what I want. Freedom to have a life.

 

What’s That Thing Called?

What is that thing called that makes you think all kinds of negative thoughts?

That thing that goes on for a few days, then you go back to normal?

The vicious cycle that comes and goes when you least expect it.

The thing that gets fed every time you are stressed, losing sleep, don’t meet deadlines, etc.

The feeling you get when you are on your period and your hormones are out of whack.

What is it called when you have mood swings, low energy, irritability, depression, anger, anxiety and negativity that come out of nowhere?

When you want to scream at the world for making you this way. Because everything just happens to you all at once. You get slammed with all kinds of crazy problems back to back before you were able to heal from the last one.

That feeling you get when you want to push everyone away, but you don’t want to be left alone.

The feeling that all you want to do is scream at the people closest to you and tell them how grateful you are for them, but you can’t because every time you open your mouth, it isn’t nice. At the same time, you don’t want to be left alone and feel clingy and lonely for no reason at all

The feeling of not even knowing what you want.

That causes anxiety because you are just looking for something to stop this feeling, and nothing is working.

The feeling of wanting to do something drastic like climb up the side of the cliff, but curling up in a ball and crying sounds good too.

What is it when being social takes up too much energy, but you put on your face anyway and you be nice? There’s a word for it…

You hate fighting and arguing, but you can’t stop. All you want to do is cry at this point because you can’t say anything nice, but that’s all you want to do.

You want to scream it from the rooftops, but you can’t because of this thing…

Nothing is wrong, yet nothing is right.

Oh, I know what it is.

It’s called depression. And all these things listed on this site are true. And I hate it.

I hate I have to feel this way for no reason. The people around me have to deal with me when I feel like this too, and it makes it so much worse. I hate that I’m hurting them. I hate that I feel like this. I wish there was a magic wand that could make me not feel these things. But there isn’t a “cure” for depression. If there is, I don’t know what it is nor has that been shared with the world.

It’s been recommended to me before to try a gratitude journal. So, I’m writing the first thing that’s been on my mind all day. I am deeply, truly grateful for my boyfriend who is trying so hard to understand me and what I need. He puts up with me and all that comes with me. It’s so frustrating to not be able to tell him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t even know what I want, or what I’m feeling. I’ve been on the other side of depression too, and I know how helpless that can make people feel. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate you (because I know you are reading this). You are my soul mate and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you. You were made for me.

Secondly, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, be able to put food on the table, and clothes on my back. Some people aren’t so fortunate to have all 3. Whatever 1st world problems I’m dealing with aren’t as bad when you think about how some people don’t even have enough food to feed their families.

 

10 Ways to Start Finding Happiness

Guide after guide will teach you how to be happy. But at the end of the day, many people feel they don’t deserve it. Guess what…THIS IS A LIE. I found this page to help people who are feeling these thoughts. No matter what they’ve done or what they’ve been through. You just need the strength to want it.

As I have been through some shit, been at rock bottom, and been at the highest highs, let me tell you what I think on how anyone can achieve happiness.

Obstacle 1-Caring what other people think. We spend way too much trying to live up to others’ expectations. Just live for you What makes you happy? Do that. Living through other people’s lives on social media, tv, or just a stereotype you want to follow isn’t going to make you happy. Are you jealous or want to live a certain way? Then make the change. Instead of focusing all your energy on how other people live their lives, or what you are ‘supposed’ to do, reflect on your life and concentrate on making yourself a better person. Make a plan for yourself. Life doesn’t seem to follow plans exactly, but at least you have a direction of where you want to go.

Obstacle 2-Overanalze situations and dwelling on the past. Sometimes overanalyzing situations that haven’t even happened yet. Looking too far into the future and creating negative outcomes. Or even overanalyzing a tiny little problem and then making a much bigger problem. Deal with the situation as it happens, then move on. Adding more stress to a stressful situation just makes it worse. Dwelling on a mistake, or something that happened previously will also just increase stress, make you feel like crap, and then you think of the ‘what if’ or ‘if this didn’t happen…’ scenarios. There is absolutely no reason to live like this. You can’t fix it by replaying it in your head. Make peace, and if necessary forgive yourself and drop the baggage.

Obstacle 3-Taking blame for others’ problems. This is usually to protect or please the other person, while you are losing something of your own. Time, money, energy, etc. Setting up emotional boundaries can help you say no, but also demand a certain respect of how you want to be treated. Being honest about how you are feeling can prevent major problems in the future. I know it’s hard, but I found this nice guide on how to do it. It’s difficult and awkward in the beginning, but I found this a long time ago when I was learning how to set emotional boundaries for myself. At the end of the day, you have to take care of you and your life first.

Obstacle 4-Surrounding yourself with negativity. The biggest things are your own thoughts. Focusing on things you don’t have instead of what you already have. I’m not only talking about material things. I’m talking about people, lifestyles, money, etc. It goes for everything. Be grateful and appreciative of what you already have instead of mooning over what you don’t. Toxic/negative people fall into this category too. You can easily surround yourself with people who make you feel special. People who don’t appreciate you for WHO YOU ARE have no place in your life any more. This may change as time goes on. Who was your good friend before may not be anymore. They just bring negative feelings and thoughts to the table. Surround yourself with positive people, happy vibes, and good feels. Have a job that makes you stressed? Then maybe it’s time to find another one. There are other jobs that will pay the bills. Is this your career path and it’s a temporary unhappiness? Then, give it a time line, and if it doesn’t slow down, you need to make a change.

Obstacle 5-Clutter and mess. I’m not only talking about your room here either. If you take on too many tasks, don’t have enough downtime, or feel like you have been spread too thin, you need to slow it down. Cut out the bullshit in your life. Material things are just that-material. Life settles down quickly when there is less you have to worry about. This includes people, material objects, jobs, tasks, errands, etc. This is all stress you are putting on yourself. Cut it out. The act of cleaning it all out is therapeutic too. Get your physical space all clean, and your mental space will clear up too.

Obstacle 6-Grudges and anger. These bags are very heavy. Holding on to anger, bitterness, grudges or not forgiving someone honestly doesn’t do you any good. And no, it’s not punishing the other person either. So what good does it do to feel that way? If you haven’t gotten the apology you deserve, if you haven’t been forgiven for something you did, or maybe you’re just mad at how people treat other people. Guess what? It doesn’t do any good to hold on to it. The sooner you stop caring about whatever it is, the sooner you can start to move on. Usually in these situations, it’s not something you can do anything about anyway.

Obstacle 7-Complaining. This is huge. Things happen. You had a fight and it ended badly. You got cut off on your way to work. You didn’t like what that one person said that one time. Get over it and move on. Don’t put more energy into the situation, as you just give it power. Just let it go and talk about something happy instead.

Obstacle 8-Focusing on insecurities instead of attractive qualities. Seeing a pattern yet? Yeah, this one is also negativity based, but based on self reflection. First of all, you are beautiful. Secondly, you are worth it. You give yourself value, not other people. Live your life by your own set of standards, not everyone else’s. Be a good person. Let’s be honest, we aren’t perfect. NO ONE is. Physically or mentally or anything! We all have flaws, and we all have different bodies. Just because we can’t all look like Megan Fox doesn’t mean we aren’t beautiful. Every single person on this planet has BEAUTIFUL traits. Who cares about the other stuff? Looks are usually just expensive packaging, and when we’re old and grey, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how we treated people, what kind of person we grew up to be, and if we were happy.

Obstacle 9-Food and Exercise. If you aren’t comfortable with how your physical condition is or how you don’t feel at your best, you can change it. Eat healthier and exercise regularly. Honestly, this is great for your mental wellbeing too. I know that when I’m working out, I’m much happier in the long run. I feel more confident about myself, I feel like I achieved something, and I really enjoy pushing myself! Good nutrition is important for taking care of your mental welling too!

Obstacle 10-The hardest one I think…Trying hard to be someone else instead of embracing who you are. Love thyself. Focus on what makes you happy. Write down things you love about yourself. Write down your talents and your achievements. Write down things you think make you different than other people. You are unique, special, and beautiful. Now, you just have to believe it.

That was my 10-step list. Here are some others:
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/kelly-rudolph/how-be-happy-yourself-5-tips
https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/11-simple-ways-to-make-yourself-happy-every-day.html
http://elitedaily.com/life/things-need-stop-immediately-want-live-stress-free-life/659777/
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy-Being-Yourself

 

 

We Kill Each Other

We kill each other with our words, our meanings, and what we don’t say.
We kill each other with looks, fake smiles, frowns, and disgust.
We kill each other with disrespect, lies, and truth.
We kill each other by degradation, stereotypes, and expectations.
We kill each other with religion, belief, and extremes.
We kill each other with labels, classifications, and clicks.
We kill each other by hiding, assertion, and disappointment.
We kill each other with war.
We kill each other with success and failure.
We kill each other with our actions, and our betrayals.
We kill each other with selfishness and selflessness.
We kill each other with pride, power, and greed.
We kill each other in body, mind, and soul in any way we can.
We kill each other by looking at just the surface.

 

The war of souls is bigger than what you can do with guns. By crushing the spirit, the species as a whole will die. We abuse ourselves terribly every day. That’s not enough, so then we abuse others.

 

 

The spirit dies when it is lied to, cheated on, or deceived.
The spirit dies when it is disappointed in the actions of others.
The spirit dies when justice isn’t served.
The spirit dies when it is stolen from.
The spirit dies when it is used or abused.
The spirit dies when it is ignored.
The spirit dies when others around us are ignorant.
The spirit dies when it is not allowed to heal naturally.
The spirit dies when it is not defended or stood up for.
The spirit dies when it is abandoned.

Life is precious and can be taken away. It can all be over so quickly. Extinguishing the light is as easy as snuffing out a flame. Shouldn’t everyone should have the chance to let it burn to the wick? Let the flame go out on it’s own.

If the spirit is dead, there is no flame. It takes bravery to relight and start again.

You have the power to put out the light of someone’s else’s flame. You also have the power to light it again. But don’t forget you also have the power to protect your own flame.

Don’t put out the light.