Roll of the Dice

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so going through so many emotions at once, where you feel like you might puke? A physical response to an emotional problem. That feeling has been coming and going all day.

That feeling like you want to do everything. And at the same time, want to do nothing. You want to change the world with new ideas… but getting out of bed seems like a monumental task.

Or being painfully excited at the same time where you are run down and depressed. A brand new journey is about to unfold and things are changing, growing, expanding… but you can’t seem to mentally get past the fact that you don’t want to do anything at this given moment.

Where something really good just happened, but all you can think about is that one bad thing. Negative feelings always trump positive feelings. It takes 10 good things to make up for 1 bad thing. POSITIVITY… change can happen, it’s not always a bad thing.

You think you are hungry, but really, it’s nausea.  That feeling right before you throw up.

That moment when you wish you were medicated so you didn’t feel so overwhelmed, but at the same time, glad that you aren’t because you want to feel the high. The highs are so worth it.

bipolar_disorder_not_in_control_of_feelingsWhere the only thing you want is the thing you can’t have.

The feeling of loneliness, but at the same time, knowing how much you are loved.

It’s where depression and the manic cycle collide. It’s this black box where everything changes from one second to the next. It’s a spiral of devastation and wonder. A roll of the dice is how much control I have over how I’m feeling. It’s like I’m being controlled by the Game Master in Dungeons and Dragons. He decides my fate. All I can do is act and hope for the best. Roll the dice.

It’s exhausting, and invigorating. Both feelings fighting each other. A battle you can’t control. The feelings come in waves. One after another. The first one may be immense joy and happiness and excitement. The next ,despair, sadness, and depression. A second later, the third hits, and it is determination and drive. The cycle continues through all the emotions. Back and forth until I can’t stand it anymore.

The shaking starts. The fever sets in and vomiting is inevitable. I have no reason to be overwhelmed or overcome by emotion. I should be able to handle it. Why does this happen at the most inopportune moments?

Saying I’m living a roller coaster is an understatement. What is this even called?! Is there a name for this insanity!? Can’t sleep.. so I’m writing.

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One thought on “Roll of the Dice

  1. My heart breaks for you sweetie. I can feel your pain and struggle and I only wish I could just make it all better for you. No doubt life is a struggle with good and bad. I pray that your blogging provides you the means and the process to work through the Bi-Polar issues and keep you on a more even keel. You truly are precious to me.

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