Waiting for the Crash

drinksOver the weekend, I had a great night with some friends. We decided to go to a gay bar for a night of friends, drinking, and dancing. I don’t bar hop often, mostly because I don’t have many friends to bar hop with. If I did, I would go more. I like gay bars, especially, as I can be myself without feeling judged. It’s a nice feeling that I don’t have often.

Anyway, I met some fun new people, and made a new friend. We danced, we laughed, and I was happy. Partly because I was piss-ass drunk, but that’s beside the point! My friend, who I have known for about 4 years, is moving. So, we went out to celebrate our friendship, and hang out for one last time before they leave at the end of the week. We have an interesting relationship because we both suffer from depression, and we are both bisexual. Wow, first time I have ‘said’ that out loud. (Whoo, coming out time..and it’s about time!).

I have known about my sexuality for about.. oh… 10 years or so. And while I don’t hide it, I don’t announce it either. It’s really none of other people’s business what I do intimately. Either way, I’m coming out now because it’s part of my therapeutic road. My friend, on the other hand, is married, has a couple of kids, and she is just now finding out that she is bisexual. Now, she’s wondering how it would feel to be with a woman. Her husband doesn’t understand what it means to be bisexual, so he is telling her to hook up with a girl. With time, I’m hoping he will start to understand. It’s a hard road, especially when you are in a committed relationship. It’s hard because being bisexual, you will only ever be satisfied on ‘one side’, no matter which way you choose. That’s a different blog altogether, and not relevant to this one.

The more I get ‘in tune’ with opening up about myself, the more comfortable I become. Yes, I will lose friends along the way – it seems to always happen. But the way I live my life is up to me. And I have many views that are ‘against the grain’ when it comes to sexuality, religion, politics, and generally everything. I love tattoos, piercings, and I love when people express themselves. Sometimes, you have to make the hard decisions and buck up and do it, to find out who you are.

Anyway, back to my story… we danced, had a blast, and when the bar closed at 2am, we didn’t want the night to end, so we out to eat down the street. We chatted more, sobered up a bit, and then made our way home. By the time I got home, it was close to 5am, and with songs still ringing in my head, I tell my husband what a wonderful night I had! Now, most husbands might not want their wife going to a bar, a gay bar no less, and then coming home when she pleases… at 5 am. Well, my husband doesn’t fall into that category, and truly wants me to do what I want! Which is just how we roll.

Now, today, I received a package in the mail with my membership certification from the IACP (www.canineprofessionals.com), and I’m so happy!! Yay, I was accepted, and it’s one more step for me to becoming a fully fledged, professional dog trainer! *Filled with happiness again!*IACP

As many of you also suffer from depression, it’s scary to get too happy. Because as soon as you feel good about something, one little itty bitty thing can ruin the whole happy place you have built up for yourself. Came home, watched a movie with the hubby, and then started blogging.

I hate the feeling of anticipation. I hate feeling like a crash is about to start. I’m starting to get the uneasy feeling again. What’s worse, is that when I start to feel like this, it seems I’m the one who ruins it. Because all my negative feelings, I make it happen. Just like with dog training, a dog can sense your feelings. If you are anxious, he has reason to be anxious. When these feelings start, it’s best for me to just focus on something that it’s mindless and try to get through the day. That’s how I handle things. One day at a time.

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3 thoughts on “Waiting for the Crash

  1. I’m glad you had a great night! ๐Ÿ™‚ Have fun, be yourself, just do whatever feels good; I’m glad you’re sending out that message. It’s good. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Also, I understand what you mean about the negativity and how it comes back down to you, I’m the same. I fuck shit it up for myself and then I fall back in the pit, but it’s something that we both need to somehow ‘fix’. Push aside the negativity and bring in the Positivity. ๐Ÿ™‚

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