Emotion Overload

iloveyouIt’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.

loveconquersI’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
As for another huge area of my life, Caleb and I are working things out. We have small, short term goals and longer term goals. I feel like we are on the right track, but we have a long road ahead of us. It’s taken me a little time to figure out what I wanted. Because it wasn’t a ‘let’s try it and see’ kind of leaveyouthing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.

obstaclesI’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling. I’m happy by myself, but I’m so much happier when I’m with Caleb. And I feel that warm, comforting feeling of love again. This feeling right here is worth absolutely everything. You know when I said ‘I want to feel like someone would give me the world if I asked for it’ in a different blog post? That feeling comes to mind with the feelings I’m going through right now. No, I’m not manic, if you are asking. I’m actually very balanced and in a healthy, even state of mind. I’m just very, very happy. This is what I wanted four months ago. I be able to hear him say “Whatever it takes.” And to say he never wants to be without me again. For him to mean it with all his heart. And for the tough times ahead of us, for me to know, without a doubt he’s staying and seeing it through. This is what I always wanted from him. Just that reassurance, and security that I won’t be abandoned.

Ok, I’m done with my sappy post. I don’t normally write this way, but I was literally in the mood to gush a little!

Anyway, live long and prosper or whatever.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Fear and Excitement

Next Big Thing

Two of my worst enemies in the emotional world are fear and excitement. And on opposite ends of my brain, naturally. Fear is usually accompanied by the feeling of being overwhelmed and sometimes depression, but always anxiety. Excitement comes with it’s own set of interesting challenges. Tunnel vision of the future without realizing the now is a ‘symptom’. For example, the potential house I wanted to buy. Yes, the land was great. However, the house itself was a total shithole. I knew it needed work, but I saw what it could be, and didn’t see the $400,000 of work and 3-5 years of time it would take to make it into my dream house. It was a giant money pit. I walked away. Because I’m smart. Be like me. Hehehe

scareexciteAnyway, it’s rare when I feel both fear and excitement at the same time, and these are very hard emotions to work through. I feel major anxiety without the depression. This is the hardest mania I have to work through. I think extra hard, my brain doesn’t stop, I can’t sleep, I talk a mile a minute, I clean like crazy, I can’t sort through my thoughts, I can’t talk to anyone because I just frustrate them because I’m all over the place. I think about all the possibilities of what could be. Then I think “Oh, I don’t want to get stuck in the tunnel vision trap” and try to slow down. Then I try to pick holes and find the bad parts so that I don’t overlook anything. Then I start to get anxiety because I’m now thinking about all the bad parts. Remember my last post about how I’m scared and doing it anyway? Well, this is me… on the edge of the cliff, doing it anyway. I’m moving forward no matter how it feels because I have to. I see my long-term end goal. I see my short-term goal… and I see the inkling of my very long-term goal. Every time I try to look ahead, I lose something in the now and lose a little perspective. There’s so much going on, so I have to just focus on the short-term while being mindful of the other goals. It’s exhausting.

I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m insane manic right now, and my heart is beating so fast. I wanted to get all this out of my system and then I’m going to do deep breathing exercises to try to calm down. This weekend is going to be pretty stressful for me, and I need to find a way to keep it together. I’ve literally had one panic attack in the last few months. I’ve been doing so well, I’m not going to lose it now. And I’m not going to back down. One-I literally don’t have a choice. And two..I’m not a coward. I’m seeing this through all the way. I’m finishing this ‘project’.

todayWhat’s so scary? I know, I know! I’m being really vague. Ok, let me lay it on you. My house sold, and my closing date is on February 10th. I found a temporary place to live and I went out to see it today. It’s way better than living in a trailer for a few months and running my company that way (which is what I was planning on doing). It’s a little studio, and I can run my company and have all my dogs. I’m looking at a new place, and possibly building. I’m not going to get too much into detail because it will jinx it. But I can say it’s a big deal, it’s all new territory for me, and I’m having to learn about running power, water, septic, and gas lines to an undeveloped property, buying water rights, building licensing, costs of building, time frames, city ordinances/codes, and finding out what it takes to really get in there and make it happen. I’m usually on the phone for hours every day with realtors, lenders, the city mayor, utility companies, storage facilities, my builder, and a ton of other companies trying to get everything in order. I’m still seeing clients and training dogs every day too. Long days make for one frazzled Heather near the end of the day. But at the end of the day, I can say I am doing everything I can. I’m giving it my all, even though I’m overwhelmed. And that gives me a sense of peace. I won’t give up. I know what I want, I have a vision, and it will work out. I just have to keep learning and trying. I’m so incredibly determined to do this, I won’t take no for an answer. This is happening. It’s real. BIG, EXCITING, SCARY things are happening right now. Business is booming, and it will just continue to keep getting better!

I have my calm piano music going already, and all my dogs are asleep, curled up together next to my bed. I’m diffusing essential oils, I’m fed, watered, and ready to fall asleep after I calm myself down. I have to get rid of the mania or I’ll crash just as hard. This is one of the biggest things I’ve been working on the last few months with my therapist is handling the cycling. I’ve been pretty damn good at it lately. So goodnight, and I hope you have exciting, scary things happening in your life too.

Do or Do Not. There is no try.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda

yodaHad an epiphany today when doing some house hunting. The place I had in mind fell through. That’s ok, hakuna matata. I’ll find something else, and something better. I won’t let the little things like this get me down. I’m always looking for the ‘next big thing’. And this place is where I will make my footprint. It’s a little strange thinking about how I’m leaving this house and moving on… a lot of emotions on that. I’ll deal with those later (compartmentalizing), and I’m focusing on my big picture goal. Which is to get a place up and running where I can live and work, and leave work at work.

My epiphany had to do with the quote above. There have been many areas of my life where I’ve said ‘I’m trying’. ‘I’m trying to get better at ____’. ‘I’m trying to work things out’. ‘I’m trying!’ Stop. I’m done trying. I’m DOING. I’m not TRYING to find a place. I AM finding a place. I’m not TRYING to work things out. I AM working things out. I’m not TRYING to run an Ironman at the end of the year. I AM running an Ironman at the end of the year. It’s too hard for me to be half assed, in the middle or just trying. I’m better than that.

“The only failure is not to try.” – George Clooney

But what holds up back from giving it our all? Fear. Of what? I’ll tell you. It’s fear of failing. Everyone is scared of this in one sense or another. So… I’m scared. And I’m doing it anyway. I was nervous about working horses (I’ve always had a healthy fear of animals bigger than me). I’ve started working with them and learning a little about horsemanship. I’m scared of going through big milestones by myself. I’m doing it alone – like selling my house and buying a new one, moving into a temporary location. Let’s be honest, I think everyone is a little scared of doing big things like this alone. Starting my business somewhere else terrifies me. I did it before, yes… but I had the support of my ex husband. Now, I really am on my own and have the support of myself. Relocating is scary, but I’m doing it. I was/am afraid of guns. I went shooting (And I did really good!). I’m scared about doing big house projects. Guess what? Yeah, I’ve done some big ones recently. And I think my biggest fear of everything… I am scared of putting myself out there emotionally. I’m trying again – cautiously, but I’m doing it. To receive the type of emotional support and love I deserve, I need to put myself out there too. So, I’m in. And I’m putting all of me out there. I’m all about doing things that scare me lately.

“There is no failure except in no longer trying.” – Elbert Hubbard

success
So, I’m done ‘trying’. I’m DOING now. If I want something, I’m working on my big goals. Even if it means I fail. Hard. I’m in. All the way. Failure doesn’t mean the world is ending, it just means there’s an opportunity to learn and grow. The fear of the unknown totally scares me. When I don’t know what is going to happen, I usually have horrible anxiety. I’m going with the flow this time, and just letting what happens, happen.

Do something that scares you every day. It will help build you into an unstoppable entity of power and confidence. Just do it in the right away so you don’t become an asshole. At least, I believe that. I have more drive every day where everything else is telling me I’ll fail. Sometimes I get knocked down. Hard. But it seems the harder I fall, the stronger I become.

Ok life…. it’s time to BEAST MODE!!!!

“Experience teachings slowly, and at the cost of mistakes.” – James A. Froude.

Fallen Eve

eveReading more of “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldredge, and this particular part is regarding Adam and Eve. Now, I’m not religious, but I can appreciate some of the stories, without believing in God. The morals and concepts are still very valuable. Yes, I’m reading a book that is very, very Christian. So sue me. ANYWAY, this section talks about the story of Adam and Eve. We’ve all heard it. Adam was put on the Earth, and something was missing. Something wasn’t right. It was Eve. God gave Adam…Eve. They were told not to eat the forbidden fruit. The serpent told Eve she could and it would give them immortal, godly powers. God told them they would die if they ate it. Eve ate the fruit, and then offered it to Adam.

What I’m getting at is not how we pay for these sins, or that because of their ‘greediness’, we opened Pandora’s Box or any of that other shit. (Forgive me all my religious friends…) No, I’m asking different questions. Why did Eve eat the fruit? Why didn’t Adam stop her? Why did Eve question God’s word and listen to the serpent? Those are the million dollar questions, aren’t they?

Ok, Eve ate the fruit first. She suggested it, she was coerced into eating it from the serpent in the first place. Alright, why? Why did she lose faith? Because she was curious, she didn’t know another way, the serpent swayed her?

Ok, so Adam’s side.. maybe he was curious too, and he thought the serpent had a point. Maybe he was frozen and was scared of what Eve would do if he stopped her. Where was he when this was happening? Right there next to her. He didn’t do shit to stop her from taking/picking the fruit, eating it, nor giving it to him. He went silent. He froze. He avoided a confrontation. He avoided a fight. Now, in the story, things would have been all dandy if this didn’t happen. But it did. In allowing this to happen (on both sides, Eve and Adam), sin was ‘born’ and women were graced with loneliness, control and dominance, men were cursed with futility and failure.

Let’s talk on the woman’s side of things.. known as “Fallen Eve”. Fallen Eve protects herself against the hurt of the ‘sins’ by either being controlling and dominant….because the fear vulnerability. Or desolate and needy.. because they fear abandonment. Sometimes, she can be both. I tried to kill my heart’s longing for intimacy so that I would be in control. A symptom of this ‘Fallen Eve’ the book talks about.

It asks about what my biggest fear is. Spiders? Failing? Being alone? No. Betrayal. Abandonment. Desolation. Being unimportant. Coming to terms with this as my biggest fear makes me vulnerable. I’m ok being vulnerable… to a point. I can be vulnerable with myself. Not with another person anymore. That requires trust.

Now, reading a little more in the book “Healing from Trauma”, there were a few sentences that struck home that also tie in to this story in Captivity.

“Traumatic events are like thieves that take something precious from us.”

I had something stolen from me. But I’m not curling up in a ball and letting my life go on without me. No. I’ve acknowledged it, I’m moving forward, and I’m making the best decisions on what I see fit for myself. Sometimes this a convoluted decision to some. No one needs to understand but me. I’m determined to get back my something precious. Only I can do that, and I won’t be crippled. I don’t need to explain my decisions to anyone, and no one else lives my life but me. I’m in this. I make my own path now.

“You didn’t choose what happened, but you can choose your path now.”

Trauma

trauma

“Hearing about other people’s trauma is particularly difficult if you’ve experienced a lot of trauma yourself. Your nervous system isn’t starting from neutral, and you may not have the hardiness of those for whom hearing about such events slide right off their back.” – Jasmin Lee Cori in “Healing from Trauma: A survivor’s guide to understanding your symptoms and reclaiming your life”.

I just started reading through another self improvement book, and within the first few pages, I realized this is literary gold. I come across a few of these books from time to time where I learn so much within just a few sentences. This particular book is a good one for me specifically because the author doesn’t recount her memories, traumas, or tell stories about specific events. She teaches you some tools to use in your recovery, no matter what the trauma. The above quote is from the introduction section of this new book and hits close to home. I just recently learned how to ‘start from neutral’ when faced with a trigger conversation or event. The two tools the author teaches first are conversation and journaling. Which I do a lot of both when I’m healing. One of the tools I’m learning how to do know is take perspective. I mentally take steps backwards and observe the situation. I stop focusing on my story and listen. I breathe. I don’t recoil, freeze, or get upset. It’s not my story, I’m there to listen and help support others. I don’t pass judgment on anything anyone ever tells me. Again, it’s not my story, we all have our skeletons and mistakes. I just choose to be a clean slate and think about everything in it’s entirety.

“We take in our traumatic histories in layers, and the denial and dissociation that helps us originally may still be at work as we learn about trauma. This denial and dissociation try to protect us from painful truths by blocking them out or not staying present to take in what is happening.”

healingfromtraumaThis is so incredibly true. Some people distract themselves, others claim they are fine, and others avoid it entirely. Learning to handle the trauma is not something that can be learned though a step program. Seems like common sense, right? The human brain is a complicated place, and you can’t just rewire how things work overnight. But ‘how do I get over ___?’ or ‘how to become balanced’ google searches aren’t going to tell you. They say ‘time heals all wounds’… that’s not true. It’s knowledge that is gained over time. Maximize the knowledge by teaching yourself how to observe, learn, and act on the information you now possess.

Shit happens. No matter who you are talking to, someone somewhere has suffered a trauma of some kind. These skills can help anyone with dealing with a drama. I recommend giving this book a try to anyone who has ever felt pain from some shit that has happened to them in their life. This is a gold mine of information, and it’s incredibly powerful if you can absorb the information being given. Take the time to read and understand the message being taught in this one.

 

Christmas Cycle

PK9 Dogs

A few of my kids all curled up

thorinChristmas day started with white, beautiful snow on the ground outside. A lot of it – almost an obscene amount which made me glow with happiness since I LOVE snow and I love that we had so much. Especially on Christmas. I started a fire in the fireplace and watched the snow fall outside. I watch this particular serene beauty blanket the world. It really does look like peace on Earth. Dogs are snoring, asleep curled up in their beds. Dirty dishes in the sink, wrapping paper littering the floor, and I’m curled up on the couch in my comfiest pjs with my coffee. These are the little moments where I miss having someone the most. To curl up, drink coffee in front of the fire with the sleeping dogs, watching the snow. That’s my vision of a perfect Christmas. I better get used to having these alone from now on.

dishesI don’t miss the bullshit, it’s not worth it. Loneliness hurt < Betrayal/Trust broken hurt. Not worth it. But these are the moments where I really love spending it with someone special. These moments are the ones that tear me up inside and it takes a while for me to sew myself back together every single time. This wasn’t supposed to be this way. Not just anyone, but THAT person. Once I feel the hurt and the loneliness set in, the feeling immediately after is hurt and anger and betrayal. Seems I have a lot of that in my life. Seems people love to make me feel this collection of feelings. So, I’ll deal with the loneliness and I’ll compartmentalize these into a box that will remind me to leave my heart there. I have a hard enough time letting people in. Trust takes so long for me… then if it’s broken, it takes years to get it back. Just ask my ex napoleonhusband. He made one mistake that really hurt me years ago, and it took me a little over 2 years to be able to trust him again. It’s not my place to talk about the details of what happened, it’s his story too. After all that’s gone down between us, he’s still one of my best friends. I trust him. I don’t want to put myself out there to trust new people, it just seems to remind me every single fucking time why I don’t bring new people into my life. So, I’m sticking with the friends I know and who I know I can trust. I’m done with taking risks on people. I’ll meet people, sure. But they aren’t getting any pieces of my heart. Emotionally, I’m putting all that into a box. Doesn’t stop me from randomly crying about it though. I can’t stop it, don’t tell me to. Bipolar doesn’t work like that. ‘Just be happy’ doesn’t work for us. Sorry.

christmasmorningAnyway, my family came over, and we spent the morning together. I love spending time with my family, and I wish I had a little more flexibility to go visit them sometimes, but with my business, I can’t leave the dogs that long. And holidays are one of our busiest times because people go out of town. I love what I do, but I’m in the process of trying to make big changes so maybe I can go on vacation sometimes, or take a full day off, or visit my family. I feel a little guilty because Christmas snuck up on me this year, and I didn’t get any gifts for my family. I still plan on getting something really nice, but it’s hard because my dad has EVERYTHING! And gift cards are too mainstream. Anyway, I’ll figure it out! I was also invited to spend Christmas dinner with a client who has turned into a friend. I love her and her dog, and she gifted me a super awesome Jack Skellington shot glass. It means a lot, considering she wanted to keep it, and she absolutely loves it. I love Jack stuff, and she always finds the coolest little NMBC knick knacks!

danteI know I’m going through rapid cycling, because I’ve been really happy, and then really sad within a few minutes of each other. Went snowboarding on Christmas Eve, and that whole day I was off. I didn’t enjoy myself, and would rather just drink coffee, listen to music and watch everyone else ride. So, I did. That’s a rare occurrence when I don’t want to be up there on the mountain. Same thing though-snowy mountains with snow falling, Christmas Eve, and I’m by myself. First ‘single Christmas’ in about 10 years. It’s a much different feeling than I have ever had on Christmas. As I said, I better get used to it since I’m done with letting people in. No, I’m not self wallowing, just reflecting. Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m not asking for sympathy. Just want to explain feelings, and maybe someone else feels the same.

jinxAnyway, I have a showing for my house in a few hours, so I do need to clean up the wrapping paper, do the dishes, and sweep up all the dog hair. So I better get to it. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

 

snowboard

Perspective

I have started to take a step back from life and gain perspective. Sometimes, this is the only way you can gain clarity. Being involved in the drama, the heartache, relationships…being IN IT is sometimes blinding. So, I have decided to observe a little more and be open to letting things go as well as allowing things to happen naturally. This seems counter intuitive, doesn’t it? Let me explain.

I have started to listen to other people and focus on their story instead of my own. Not necessarily fix their problems, but see if I can help them with clarity. Or just listen. My goal is not to guide them into choosing one side or the other, but to help them take a step back and look at their situation as a whole. Slowing everything down and helping them understand why they are in the situation they are in, what to do about it now, but also look towards the future without “getting stuck” on any particular part of those areas. This can be applied to absolutely everything in a person’s life.

loveI have also started to let go of stress and things that are out of my control. First – I cannot control other people’s actions or their feelings. As much as I want to help, understand, or shake someone and force them to make the “right” choice (or what I believe is the right choice), I have let this go. I can control me, my emotions, my actions, and my life. I am in control of my life. Second-I cannot control acts of God or nature or series’ of events that cause me to end up in a certain situation. If I can’t control it, I’m not stressing over it. I do the best I can, and I make the best decision in the most as I see fit.

I am in control. Say it. This is so empowering. I have the right to make my own decisions and my own boundaries. I have the right to say no. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to control my stand in a relationship. I have the right to stand up for what I believe in. I have the right to control where my life goes. Feels good, doesn’t it. I put myself into the situations that have hurt me, and I’m not allowing people to do that to me anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m shutting people out, but I will no longer allow another person to have that much control over my emotion. I can enjoy being with people in many different ways, and that doesn’t mean I need to be a hermit. I’m finding the happy medium.

So, I’m going out and I’m doing it. One minute at a time. I have a long term goal, I have short term goals. And they involve me. As awesome as company is when there are fun things to do, I am focusing on me and I can have fun by myself. If I think ‘Oh, that sounds fun.’ I will do it, instead of thinking about doing it. Everything costs money, but what’s money? Just a thing you need to get what you want. I’m making it happen. Priorities.

I want land. I want a horse and chickens, and a bigger place to run my company. Why? To feel fulfilled. To feel important. To be needed. To be happy. That’s my livelihood goal. I want to go see places and learn how to do new amazing things. I want a lifestyle that will support the type of life I want. I thought I had big dreams. My livelihood goal being a big dream, I mean. It is.. But I’m dreaming bigger than that. I want days off, I want vacations, I want ‘getaways’. I want a self sustaining company. I’m paying my dues to make that happen. I see a future, and I’m putting in the time to make it into what I know it can be.

However, I am also seeing the now. I make choices that make me enjoy life today as well. Little things like coffee at the cafe while browsing the internet and listening to music, curled up on the couch in front of the fire reading a book, snowboarding in the gorgeous mountains with people who I enjoy their company, walking my dogs on trail and enjoying just being outside, swimming in a lake throwing a ball for my dog while listening to the birds chirp, hiking and drinking in the beauty of a waterfall, enjoying a meal while watching people in the city, dancing at a club feeling the music, I want it all. I have plans for a few trips this year and I’m doing them for me. I won’t say no if someone wants to join me, but I am going regardless if anyone does.

I am learning to stop worrying about other people. What they are thinking, doing, that’s their business. Worrying about it causes stress and anxiety, and I’m letting it go. It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t benefit me in the slightest. I live for me. At the end of the day, I want to say I did something with my life. Big things. I lived and experienced. I also want to say I know how to ‘relax’, ‘take it easy’, ‘recharge’. To do this, I’m taking a step back from all the drama and just learning to be.

What’re your goals? How’re you applying this to your daily life?