More Than Just a House

Is this real? Is it over? I feel like the battle is done. This war that has been going on for far too long; it’s done. I’ve won. I fought for a cause, and I didn’t give up. I lost so much, but I continued on. Because something inside me told me to keep fighting with everything I had. It told me to fight through the pain, and the loss, and the mistakes, and wade through all the shit because there was something better coming. I lost my way a few times, but never stopped. It doesn’t feel real yet.

I guess it all started when my ex-husband and I decided to get a divorce. That’s when the story of my change started. Once we decided, and I was done, something died inside me, but something was also born. When he had the movers come get the furniture he was taking with him just a few days before our 4 year anniversary, it was finally real. I remember standing in the middle of my living room while they were taking his things and I cried. Everything was moving so fast, yet I was frozen. I cried because I wasn’t only losing a marriage, I was losing my best friend. He would be gone, and I could never tell him my stories anymore. At least, not in the same way. It was a death. The death of a marriage. It wasn’t an easy thing. It was terrible to just say goodbye to a relationship of 7 years. I started my adult life with this man, and I chose to walk away.

Shortly after he left, I was packed up and ready to sell our house. Literally, pictures were scheduled the very next day, and I was having friends over to clean. My stuff was in storage, and I was ready to go. I had a friend who was willing to take me in while I got back on my feet. I was shattered and broken. She was buying a new house, and I was losing mine. She was expanding her business, and mine was going to move to a stand still. My life would be packed up in boxes, and hers would be blossoming in her brand new house. I was jealous, of course. But it was more about me watching my life crumble before me, and seeing her moving in to her new place just made it all the more real.

I found a different friend who was willing to help me out by moving in to the main floor and I would live in the basement. I would live in the guest room of my own house. But I would get to keep my house. I didn’t think it would work because of my business. But we worked it out, and they moved in. Things worked very well for a while. And I cared deeply about every one of them. I still do. I attach to people, and they helped me through a very trying time in my life.

cemetary During this whole time…I made a mistake. A big one. I attached to an inappropriate person and fucked up. Hard. I wasn’t in the right mind, I was hurting and I was vulnerable. I hurt someone incredibly close to me, and I can’t ever fix it. I cope with what I did; I reached out to people who didn’t want my heart, but everything else. I put my heart in a box, and used people to fill a void to make me feel like I was beautiful, needed, important. I did this in all the wrong ways. I was using people. And I didn’t care, nor did I know it at the time. And then I found someone who caught me. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was caught in a brand new web of fucked-uppery. It wasn’t like that the whole time…or so I thought. Information came to light later where I realized there was a lot more going on than I originally thought. I was used and manipulated in the worst way.

I gave my heart to him. I gave him the whole damn thing. Every piece of who I was, I gave it away eventually. I wasn’t me anymore, I was a lost, broken soul, but I didn’t know it until much later. I unhealthily attached and became a co-dependent. Never thought in a million years I would be that person, but I was so lost, and I was enabled to continue being that way. Then, I broke my foot. Any bit of independence I had was gone, and I relied even more on him. I was literally useless and totally at his mercy. I was miserable, but trying not to be. I was fighting so hard to stay positive, even though I felt like a worthless sack of shit all the time. I was in pain, my mental stability was one of insecurity and dark thoughts. But I fought it with whatever inner strength I had.

Eventually, the relationship fell apart when I started to get back on my feet (no pun intended, but go ahead and take it that way). I was devastated and had no idea why it happened. I could get into details, but it doesn’t matter. What matters was that my soul was destroyed. I was betrayed in nearly every way. I needed a fresh start; I had too much baggage. So I decided to sell my house as quickly as possible and start over. I started fixing it up. I was insane manic for weeks… no, months and I used it to do house projects. I learned so many new skills, I faced so many of my fears, I met new friends, I started getting out and doing things for myself again. I felt empowered and felt like myself again.

It was about this time I decided I would never let another person take my independence. I will never lose myself like that again. I want to share my life, BUILD a life with someone, but never will I give away my pieces again. I want to build the puzzle together with both our pieces. And I never want to waste my time on something that is fake again. I want real and I want to build that god damn puzzle, even if that means we’re missing pieces sometimes, and we have to use glue, gum, and duct tape. I would rather have that than a fake fairytale. Anything else isn’t worth it. This was a milestone for me in my ‘recovery’.

I sold my house. I found a temporary place to go. I thought it was safe for my business and myself. I was sorely mistaken. It was alright for a while. Until it wasn’t, then it was a nightmare. The house I was going to put an offer on fell through. My temporary place was now looking like I needed to stay there longer. I kept looking at houses, and more and more properties were falling through for one reason or another. I had been looking for months, but nothing was going right for me. City laws, building codes, permits, the property was already sold, problems with legalities, ‘gentlemen agreements’ gone bad… One thing after another was falling through, but I managed to keep a smile on my face for the most part and kept on truckin’.

I had to move out due to a variety of complicated, stupid reasons. I have a client who has become a friend, who offered me some help. She thought it sounded so silly, but said I could live on her property until I figured something out. I graciously accepted. It was a loft in the tack room on her horse property. She has a beautiful house and a lovely little ranch with a chicken, cats, dogs, horses, and a really cool deer skull. I accepted and cried later. I was almost going to be living out of my truck for a few weeks, and she provided me a much better option. Though I have been homeless, it’s more a mental state of mind than physicality. They are a wonderful family and each and every one of them has a beautiful soul radiating with love and warm, inviting vibes. This was just where I needed to be at the moment. I hope I can help them as much as they helped me once I am able to.

I found a place and was under contract. I thought this was it…Until it fell through days before closing. I was crushed, yet prepared because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did, so I started looking for houses again. Found another one, and was under contract with the new one THAT NIGHT. Negotiations, buyer’s agreements, paperwork where you sell your soul and your first born child, inspections, appraisals… you know the drill. It all finally went through. And we are set to close on Monday of next week. It’s not real until I sign those papers, but I feel like this time… it’s different. This time, this isn’t a dream. In my mind, I feel like the house is already mine, and I’m talking about the yard, and my plans, and I’m telling people. I have asked for help moving, and on all the other ones, I didn’t feel like making any set in stone plans for people to help. I do on this one. This one feels like me. This one feels like it’s the one. Though, I’m still cautious and careful because I have been so burned in the past.

So, here I am. Days before closing, and I’m being as still and silent as I can, to not interrupt the universe at work here. I don’t want to scare the very fickle ‘deer of a deal’ I have going on here. I’m making sure all my ducks are in a row. I’m doing everything right and by the books, so this can go through. I have worked so hard, and here I am. Final days.

homeThis is more than a house.

This is a new beginning.

This is a new start.

This means I am free of the baggage I have been carrying around.

I can let go, I can move on, and I can build again.

This is so much more than just a house.

Walks of Life

As I sit here, bundled up for warmth in all my heavy clothes and blankets in the loft of my friend’s tack room, I caught myself thinking about the paths of life. How do we all end up where we do? What choices, traumas, and sacrifices did we have to go through to get where we are? And why do some people seem to never ‘grow up’?

I’ve been contemplating this since yesterday, and it seems it’s because of what they have had to go through and what they learned in those experiences. It doesn’t always mean that person is going to come out the other side with good morals, understanding, love and patience. Sometimes it means they will come out hardened and unwilling to ever let anyone in again for fear of getting hurt. It’s an effective defense mechanism, can’t argue that as I have also been in those situations and chosen that path at one point or another. Sometimes, the experience they went through is incredibly strong to them, but not to others. What others’ think of them starts to weigh, and then they think they are being ridiculous and their self esteem drops because no one understands. Something so small can trigger a change and start to form a behavioral pattern of choices. This is how the individual starts to cope with stress, trauma, anxiety, things they don’t understand, and others’ emotions. Instead of being sympathetic, they may be condescending, or avoid it altogether. All this does is cause more and more damage. The root of the problem is never being addressed, and it will continue to build up until a change is made. History has a tendency to repeat itself until we learn how to change it. I’m always trying to change mine.

chakraSo, circling back around to my current situation. I have been a ‘gypsy’ for most of the year, and have been relying on friends’, family, and calling in every favor possible for the last few months. I have been scammed, hurt, defeated, stolen from, emotionally abused, lied to, conned, broken, and totally let down at every corner. So, what is my pattern? When did this start? How can I change my path? The common denominator is me. Not what others have done to me. Why do I attract this type of attention? I want to be in a stable environment, I want to calm down my life, and I want to get back to business as usual, and above all, I want to attract more positive, happy energy. For now, I’m being emotionally still. I don’t have many clients this week, nor dogs coming to me for daycare, boarding or training, so I’m taking the time to be still and observe and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. What lesson am I meant to learn here?

It’s been on my mind lately for a variety of different reasons, but I think this is what I need to work on in order to achieve the happiness/positivity goal I really want in my life. Calming down my energy instead of letting it boil over and affect everyone else seems so daunting because I don’t know how yet. I’m just learning how to contain and balance all my chakras, which is very hard when I’m in the thick of it. So, I’m relying on my healer friends to help direct me to balance and teach me how to protect myself from others’ energies, but also how to help others and their own if I can. I don’t do energy healing work, but I’m a huge believer in the fact they do exist, and you can pick up toxic energy from anywhere. With the type of personality I have, I do pick up everyone else’s, especially the people close to me. I take it all, and I don’t know how to release it. This is my responsibility to learn how to do this to protect myself. I’m learning about shielding and which of my chakras get out of balance most regularly. When I found out, it didn’t surprise me. I was beaten down, hurt, and my baggage was too heavy. Since I don’t know how to remove the weight, it affects my psyche. I want to learn to clear this.

I have been conditioned to not trust, to be guarded, to expect disaster at some point (waiting for the other shoe to drop type attitude), and to focus on other peoples’ problems besides my own because it doesn’t hurt as much. I expect to get hurt at some point. Not just talking about relationships, but actual experiences. I take it all until I can’t anymore, and then I break down and collapse. I get back up, and I do it all over again. Which makes me strong because I don’t give up. I don’t know how, literally. I have to keep going, and I have to keep moving forward in all things. My experiences have taught me to keep going, but instead of at breakneck speed and looking before I leap, I’m cautious and more guarded and flighty than I’m used to. I take a step closer, and timidly take a step back for fear of losing it. Every time, I get a little closer, but in my experiences, every time, it’s ripped from me. So, I’m going in with an emotional arsenal. The Heather Militia, my boyfriend so lovingly named it, hehe. I could, again, lose this. So, if I do, I’m not doing anything without a fight. So, I’m emotionally preparing for war, I guess. And to me, that means the calm before the storm.

The Wall

Hangry. Raw. Emotional failing. I’m running into wall after wall. I wanted to believe I’m going in the right direction, but now I feel as if I’m just going in some random direction, and not going anywhere. I’m wandering aimlessly. It feels like I have literally lost which way I’m going, and I’m pissed because I realize I have no idea which direction is up. I’m lost and frustrated and just want to go “home”.

I feel like I’m failing because I should be stronger. I should be keeping it together, instead of being a needy bitch baby who’s calling in every favor in the world to all who I care about. If I was stronger, I could do this. I’m falling apart. I’m lying on the floor of this studio wondering how this happened and the tears won’t stop. My heart won’t stop racing, and I have no idea what to do or how I got here, and why have I not learned whatever lesson I’m meant to learn. I’m juggling too much and my emotional muscles are giving out. I’m fatigued. Am I meant to give up? Am I meant to keep fighting through this? I don’t know what to do.

My body hurts, my brain hurts, and I want to shut down. I want to slow down, I want to stop. But I can’t, and I’m literally hitting that wall. The wall where your body just can’t take anymore. In training, I’ve been here so many times. And now I’m here emotionally. Again. I always get up, and the feeling is temporary, I know. “Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary problem.” Yeah. I know. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

I’m tired and I’m done. And the monster inside me is screaming to get out. This is when I don’t have the energy or mental strength to stop it anymore. So I’m letting it happen. I’m not stronger than my demon today. I’m overwhelmed and I feel beaten. So go for it, you demon. Do your worst, I’m wide open.

“Enjoy the journey” they said…

strength“Enjoy the journey” they said… “It’ll be fun” they said. Well, I say “Are we there yet?!” It’s like I’ve taken a cross country trip across Uganda… with a brand new pair of roller skates because that’s my style. This journey I’m on doesn’t just have speed bumps, I’m off roading with my roller skates. And I’ve fallen and gotten bloodied up, but I always seem to get back up quickly and keep going. I’ll never fall on that same bump again, though.

I can’t give up. I can’t stop. But I am trying to let go of the things I can’t control. Things have a way of working out when they need to, and as much as I can’t wait for all this to be over, I feel like I’m supposed to be going through this. To teach me something. And boy, have I learned.

I’ve learned about myself and what I want in my life. Who I want to be, how I want to treat others, and what is important in my life. I’ve learned to live lightly and enjoy the living, not the stuff or the money. I’ve learned to appreciate people and their hardships a lot more. I’ve learned to listen, not wait to react to what they are saying. I’ve come a long way, but I’ve also learned how unbalanced I am. I mean my energies and some emotional things I haven’t quite gotten over. There’s some unfinished business I need to address to be able to fully move on and be truly happy with myself. I’m not sure where it happened or where I picked it up, but I need to address it so I can be balanced and happy again. It feels like I can’t really work on this until I have a ‘home’. So I’m sitting on it until I can work through it. I need to learn to set down some of this baggage and walk away. It’s starting to get awfully heavy.

Something else I’m starting to learn is what ‘taking the time…every time’ means. Not only in dog training, but in life. I’m trying to not miss the little moments. However, I’m also learning when I need time for me to decompress and NOT take the time for that ‘opportunity’, but to take the time for me. It’s not about vacations or time off, it’s about the little moments every day where you take time for yourself and appreciate who you are. I’m proud of myself and for who I am. I have made mistakes, and I have learned so much from them. I’m happy. Even though my life has been chaotic for the last several years, it seems… I’m still happy. I’m happy because of who I am and where I’m going.

upsidedownWhen I talk to people who have gone through similar journeys, it shows in their eyes. You feel the energy change to a deep, loving, understanding vibe. And they listen to you. There isn’t much they can do to help you with this internal battle, but they get it. And you have their support. That feeling makes me feel like I’m not doing this alone. This is my fight, but having that support gives me the strength to keep fighting and becoming a stronger person. I feel like he’ll let me do my thing, and if I fall, he’ll catch me and then tell me to get back up and do it again until I succeed. I need that. I need him. (There, I said it.. in a blog.. that counts, right?)

 

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Every decision we make has a risk and a reward based on external factors of time constraints, gains and losses, and what effect of our decision has on the environment and/or people in our lives. We weigh the consequences and benefits and we make a decision. At least… that’s how I make decisions. It gets tricky when there are multiple decisions that effect large sections of the future. No matter what it is. Complex or simple. I like to simplify.

Ice-CreamSo, chocolate or vanilla? This could be a difficult decision because you like both or neither one. But ultimately, it doesn’t affect anything in the future other than calorie intake, taste, and possibly consistency. It’s the most simple decision. Life decisions can be vanilla or chocolate. Could you have both? ½ and ½, or double it up? Maybe pass altogether. What kind of toppings? What if you mix in a little fudge or hazelnut? Candy toppings or fruit? Shit, son! It’s gettin’ real! You start adding other things to this very ‘vanilla’ decision (hehe, excuse the pun) and it starts to get messy. Life is, isn’t it? Messy, I mean.

Comparing bigger decisions like buying a house can be a chocolate or vanilla choice too. Can you have both? ½ of one and ½ of the other? Umm, ok, so it’s a little different. I make a pro/con list. Cost, location, land, appliances, updates, expansions, seller expectations/negotiations, closing dates, etc. You have to decide which is better. If you choose one, you lose the other. If you happen to choose the wrong one, you can lose it and then end up with nothing. It’s now a chocolate/vanilla gamble. It just turned into a very emotional game, not a simplistic delicious decision.

Yeah, my brain is jumping around today, so some of this may seem jumbled, but I’m working on a chocolate/vanilla decision while also playing Tetris to fit in all the pieces of my life’s jigsaw puzzle… all the while playing Battlefield 4 and trying to avoid the onslaught of the bad guys trying to snipe me… or in some cases hit me with a fucking rocket launcher. I’m working through shit guys, bear with me. I’m ‘thinking on paper’… get it? Thinking out loud.. thinking on paper? Heheheheheh, ok.. moving on.

I’m not giving up, just problem solving. I’m exhausted. My brain won’t turn off, and my bipolar is all over the map. The world isn’t out to get me, but it is yelling at me.

I made a chocolate/vanilla choice. I made a decision. I have to stick by it. It could be the wrong one. But I made a choice. I didn’t know what to do, and I laid out all my options, listened to my instinct, and I decided based on the information I had in front of me. I said no to one, and yes to another, and now I wait.

I’m not good at sitting on something without making a decision. I do take my time sometimes on some decisions, but usually, I know what I want right away. And I jump on it. I want something, I’ll make it mine. This time, I know what I want… I don’t know how to get there. I’m stuck. Why? I don’t get stuck. I don’t hesitate. I’m hesitating on one thing, and then I doubt myself and then I’m questioning EVERYTHING. My brain is working in circles, with the same questions, the same hesitations, the same problems. And I don’t have a solution, which is driving me insane. I don’t have a plan. I’ve been ‘winging it’ for a few years. Which I guess is polar opposite of what I used to do. I wouldn’t do anything without planning every single second. I had to have that control. I guess I’ve gotten used to winging it. Now I’m stuck in the waiting part. Was it chocolate or vanilla?

 

A World of Broken Trust

cant-blame-me-for-my-trust-issue-quote-1Ok, I’ve learned my lesson time and time again, but apparently I need to keep touching the hot stove to see if it’s still hot. I put my faith and trust in humanity to see if anything has changed. I put myself out there and took a risk. I want to believe there are still good people in the world. People who don’t lie, cheat, manipulate, or trick people into getting what they want. I want to believe there are still people out there who remember what it means TO BE GOOD. I want to see the good in people. That want is slowly diminishing, and I’m finding that concept is starting to totally extinguish in the world.

I put my trust in a friend who had a place for me to stay. Boy, should I have known better… It turned into a little slice of hell. I said goodbye to a stable living situation, a place to safely run my company, financial stability, daily conveniences, and most of all a place to call “home”. I don’t know what that is anymore. This friend tried to help, yeah… but this person knew a lot of important details that were not shared with me for whatever reason. Putting my entire organization at risk. I’m a fucking fool for trusting in the first place without a written contract…paid in cash of course, and I trusted this “friend”.

I moved into this …”temporary living situation” and worked out a verbal agreement with someone who I was told was a good person… I was lied to, manipulated and set up. It’s complicated and confusing on what actually happened… but bottom line was that I was used. Again. By someone I trusted…AGAIN. I don’t have a home, and I’m constantly reminded of why I don’t trust people. I put myself out there and want to see the good, and all I get in return is a knife in the fuckin’ spine.

I may have sold my house prematurely. I can look back and say I should have sold contingent upon me finding a new place, but it doesn’t matter. I did it, I don’t regret it (maybe I do a little bit). I’m trying to move on and move forward. What’s done is done. I maybe jumped the gun because of a series of unfortunate events that had me feeling like I needed to start over. Huh… so this is what ‘starting over’ feels like. Maybe I tried to run away from my problems. Maybe I just wanted the greener grass. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, I’m here now, and reminded of why I’m here. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I made the choice.

I have been THIS CLOSE multiple times to being in a better situation and finding a new place, and every time something has ripped it from me. I am doing things honestly and openly communicating, and it seems everyone else isn’t. Why? Because ‘it’s not meant to be’ or ‘I’m being challenged/trialed and this is a test’… fuck that noise. I’m trying the best I can, and it’s never good enough. I’m constantly coming up short in one way or another. Back to not being good enough. Awesome.

Which leads me back to trusting other people. I can’t take anything anyone says to be the truth. I have trust issues already, and this shit makes me want to never put my trust in anyone because I get burned every.fucking.time. Every time I think “Ok, I’m going to have faith and trust this is going to work” or that someone isn’t lying to me. Whenever I actively think that, it seems it bites me in the ass. So I’m wary and I protect myself and go in guarded, already waiting for something to happen. That’s healthy (sarcasm).

The last two places I have put an offer on have ended similarly. First one was because the seller’s realtor fucked up. This one was because the seller’s realtor fucked up AGAIN. I’m stuck, there is literally nothing I can do to fix this. So, I’m preparing myself just like I do with everything else and expecting shit to fall apart at some point. Waiting for something bad to happen. If I prepare myself and go in guarded, it doesn’t hurt as bad. I can recover faster and move on. The only person I can trust is myself. I can take care of myself. I’ll put my shit back in the box again and I’ll stop getting my hopes up that something will actually work. I’m backing off, I’ll keep trying, but I’m done with this feely shit. I get excited and it gets torn from me. Yeah, I’ve said it before, I know. You would think I’ve learned my lesson by now. Apparently I learn slow.

fmlKeep your positive thoughts to yourself for now people, it won’t help. Encouraging words just make it worse right now. I’ve been strong for so long.. for SO long for so many people.. I can’t be strong for myself anymore. I’m falling apart. So FML, let me vent, and let me crawl back inside myself and put all my stupid fucking emotions back in the box. You’ll see the smile on my face tomorrow, and I’ll seem fine. I’m not. Enjoy fake Heather for a while, world. She can’t handle reality, so she’s crawling into her fucking shell of safety.

Invisible Choking

It’s one of those days where I feel like I’m drowning. I try to catch my breath, but I just suck in more “water”. I try to calm myself down, but it seems any little thing makes it feel worse. I hear a notification, and it raises my anxiety. My phone rings, I get irritated. I can’t breathe, and any little thing is constricting around my throat tighter. I’m being invisibly choked and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can just sit here and take it.

rain01A client from yesterday told me “Your life sounds so great! You do what you love, make time for yourself everyday, run races, go hiking and hang out with your dogs all day, and you attracted a pretty amazing dude! It’s because you are awesome and have such a great energy! You live the life I want to someday! You worked hard to get here and it shows!” It was kind of great to hear her say that, but it made me think. She’s right, I do have a pretty amazing life. I did work my ass off to get to where I am. And I train everyday (almost), I have an amazing dude and I do get to spend my days with my dogs. I also put myself in the situation where I am now, and I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done because it has gotten me here. Not here in this physical sense, because I’m in a kind of fucked up situation… but more as in I am who I am because of the choices I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned. I know where I want to go, and what I want in my life. I mean, I don’t have all the answers, but I have a general idea of what I want and that’s more than most people.

I hurt today. I feel like my life is pretty damn amazing, but I’m anxious (4) and depressed (7) today. My foot really hurts and can’t hold my weight for very long. If I stand up for too long, it sends shooting intense pain through my whole leg. I buck up, I deal with it, I stretch, ice, rest, etc. I’m doing everything I can be doing… but I want more. I want it to be fixed. I’m inpatient and feeling it hardcore today.

Distractions from my stupid ass feelings help. I had a client session where we went to the park and let the dogs socialize in an appropriate way off leash. This was a goal of my clients’ when they first started doing training. We met this goal with one of their dogs, and now we are working on the other one. Tired dogs are happy dogs, which makes me happy a little. I go home, do dog chores, answer social media, emails, voicemails, etc. And then I feel it again. It’s like a looming shadow over me today.

I feel like I’m suffocating from this poisoned cloud of negativity. And I can’t seem to find the positive thoughts anymore. I kept trying all day, but I’m done, I’m exhausted. I’m trying to even find the energy to finish this post, and it’s taken me way longer than it should have because I can’t even find the words. Fade to black because I’m being invisibly choked. Who cares I can’t finish with an actual good conclusive ending paragraph, I’m done.