Roll of the Dice

Have you ever had that feeling where you are so going through so many emotions at once, where you feel like you might puke? A physical response to an emotional problem. That feeling has been coming and going all day.

That feeling like you want to do everything. And at the same time, want to do nothing. You want to change the world with new ideas… but getting out of bed seems like a monumental task.

Or being painfully excited at the same time where you are run down and depressed. A brand new journey is about to unfold and things are changing, growing, expanding… but you can’t seem to mentally get past the fact that you don’t want to do anything at this given moment.

Where something really good just happened, but all you can think about is that one bad thing. Negative feelings always trump positive feelings. It takes 10 good things to make up for 1 bad thing. POSITIVITY… change can happen, it’s not always a bad thing.

You think you are hungry, but really, it’s nausea.  That feeling right before you throw up.

That moment when you wish you were medicated so you didn’t feel so overwhelmed, but at the same time, glad that you aren’t because you want to feel the high. The highs are so worth it.

bipolar_disorder_not_in_control_of_feelingsWhere the only thing you want is the thing you can’t have.

The feeling of loneliness, but at the same time, knowing how much you are loved.

It’s where depression and the manic cycle collide. It’s this black box where everything changes from one second to the next. It’s a spiral of devastation and wonder. A roll of the dice is how much control I have over how I’m feeling. It’s like I’m being controlled by the Game Master in Dungeons and Dragons. He decides my fate. All I can do is act and hope for the best. Roll the dice.

It’s exhausting, and invigorating. Both feelings fighting each other. A battle you can’t control. The feelings come in waves. One after another. The first one may be immense joy and happiness and excitement. The next ,despair, sadness, and depression. A second later, the third hits, and it is determination and drive. The cycle continues through all the emotions. Back and forth until I can’t stand it anymore.

The shaking starts. The fever sets in and vomiting is inevitable. I have no reason to be overwhelmed or overcome by emotion. I should be able to handle it. Why does this happen at the most inopportune moments?

Saying I’m living a roller coaster is an understatement. What is this even called?! Is there a name for this insanity!? Can’t sleep.. so I’m writing.

Feeling is Good

Sometimes, certain events will knock us down. Hard.

Other events will make us feel like we are sky high and can do anything. And then we do.

And then we realize we are all just people. We all have issues, we all have stories, traumas, and it can always be worse.

Sometimes, you have to take a step back and realize you have to let some things go. As hard as it may be. You’ll know the time to move on, and you’ll know when you are strong Depression Sayings Grievingenough to stand up again and face the challenges that come with being human in this fucked up world.

So much pain. So much emotion. Memories and the stories sometimes get in the way of us moving forward on with our lives. But I can’t see it that way. I don’t see it as getting in the way. I see them as rocks and potholes in the road on our way somewhere.

I have always believed the journey is more important than the destination. And when it seems like you are finally getting close to being there, the road or the conditions change. You face an unexpected storm, and your route is altered.

Sometimes, you get derailed. You crash. I crashed. And sometimes, you never really recover from these crashes. The scars will be there forever. Some people won’t understand why you can’t move on after the injuries are healed. It’s a phantom pain. The actual wound isn’t there anymore, but the memory of it happening is still so mentally jarring.

When other people don’t understand, it hurts us more. All we want is someone to listen. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen to us vent and remember and cry and break down. No one can fix it. I don’t want anyone to fix it.

I’m past the point of screaming, and I’m at the point where I’m using distractions to help me heal. Movies, friends, cooking, games, working out, and working very hard to stay in a balanced state of mind.

Those little things that sent me wanting to jump off the edge before just have me irritated now. I’m healing. Slowly. And I’m starting to notice the world around me again.

Heather Hamilton Project K9 Depression BiPolar

This is the beginning of the healing feelings. :)

This thing has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Losing the person I spent my entire adult life with. Going through the death of a marriage. I wish these feelings upon no one. I am generally a very happy person. Being broken is exhausting, and it’s even worse when people tell you to get over it, move on, forget about it. The numbing pain gets so excruciatingly sharp. I have lost so much, I can’t turn off my feelings. What I needed to heal was time and space to breathe by myself.

When I shut down, when I am hurting to the point where it feels like my heart is about to literally break, I don’t need people to tell me it’s going to be fine in the future. I know, but that doesn’t make me feel better now. I want to take time, meditate, be alone, and think. Mentally heal. I was torn apart.

Alright, I’m a nerd and this is totally a geeky reference, but this is what I can relate to. My Hyrule was turned into the Dark World. Everything was the same, but demented. Monsters and demons invested all my thoughts. It seemed I had tasks to complete, even though I didn’t agree with everything. I did them because I was progressing in my healing. I was escalating through the murky swamp that was my cognitive thinking. Nothing made sense. And then, finally, I feel a little bit of peace.

I can breathe, I can think, I can be. I can go as fast or as slow as I need to. I’m not rushed, I’m not ushered into making a decision. I’m me again. Though, I still have moments of the dark world, I can finally function normally and I don’t have a feeling of uselessness anymore.  I’m starting to breathe on my own again.

I look up and realize the sky is blue. I haven’t seen the sky in so long. I haven’t actually felt the rain or a breeze. I know it’s there, but I didn’t pay attention. I can feel again. And feeling is good.Rainbow After the Storm Depression Blog

Seeing the Light

I have finally started to come out of my ‘down’ and have reached the ‘manic joy’ stage. I’m overly excited about everything, I can do everything, and I can take on the world.  It’s better because I’m productive and I can finally get stuff done. But at the same time, this stage is exhausting too, because I have to do everything. I have to, or I feel jittery, incomplete, insane.

I have started to come into this stage at a good time though. My house is totally spotless, I’m almost all the way unpacked, my dogs are exercised, bathed, and trained every day. And I still have time to play every day and do something fun.

It’s a good feeling to not be miserable, but I didn’t sleep before because I have nightmares. Now, I can’t sleep because my brain won’t turn off, and I have to keep doing things. Short post today.

 

Suffocation

Just when I thought things were getting to the point where I couldn’t take any more, and there wasn’t anywhere to go but up…I get knocked right down again. Hard. Like, I can’t get up, and I have no willpower to continue.

For the first time since this whole thing started, I feel like it isn’t going to end. More and more bad things keep happening. Even itty bitty small things are being monumental. If I drop a dish, or have a dog have an accident in the house right now, I feel like I just might break down, have a panic attack, and I won’t be able to continue living. I somehow have been able to pick myself up every time. I don’t want to get up this time. I just want to stay down so I can’t get kicked down again.

Everything that I try to do is ending in failure. A complete disaster. One bad call after another. Every decision I am making is worst than the last. How do I continue on when I’m making decisions that keep making things worse? There is no right answer. The consequences of those decisions haunt me.

Heather  Hamilton Project K9 Depression Bipolar blog

Manic Time Bomb

ticking time bombWhen I get to the point where I feel manic, I usually have a panic attack. I’m pissed, I’m depressed. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I want to break down and cry my heart out. I get shaky and snarky. Like, I judge everyone. That’s not me. Tonight, I was manic for about 4 hours without having an attack. I’m still on the edge. One extreme to the other. I can’t calm down, I can’t stop. I am seriously shaky and just drained. I can’t sleep, so I’m writing. Again. This seems to be the only thing that helps me. Putting my thoughts down.

Every little thing sets me off. I’m a time bomb. My mind is scrambled, I am forgetting everything. I am slipping. I can’t make good decisions. This is the time when I want to be medicated. These manic attacks. I live in manic now. It’s almost like I have split personalities. One minute, I’m super sensitive Heather, and the next, I am wanting to scream and break things.

Just fucking tear my heart out and get rid of it. I don’t need this. Take my brain too, because that seems to be part of the problem. I can’t think anyway. I can barely keep track of what I have to do each day. I have never felt so disorganized. I have never felt like I don’t have a hold on my life. I’m spiraling out of control, and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. I’m trying, but it’s not good enough. I can’t accept help because I feel I am bringing other people down with me. I have to do this alone.

This is where I am begging for medication. Just put me out of my misery and drug me up so I can’t feel this way. But then, once I do start to feel like a normal human being again, I don’t want the meds anymore. I don’t need emotions, I don’t need to feel. Take away the good too, the bads aren’t worth it.
I’m frantic. I have too much to do, and I can’t do it all alone. I have to pack, train, take care of all my boarding dogs, my own dogs, clean, and list my house, along with all the other normal things like paying bills, shopping, and taking care of the house and the lawn. My normal household responsibilities just quadrupled. Plus everything I need to do to sell my house. I’m quite overwhelmed.

I’m making big decisions, and I feel so very much alone. No one is here to help me make these decisions. I have people who can give me advice, but the reality is that I have to do this by myself. I am alone in this void, and everyone else is on the outskirts, watching me. Some wishing they could help, others watching the show.

Make me numb. I like that feeling better. Please, let’s go back to that. I try to push people away when I’m here because all I’ll do is hurt them. I care about them, and I want them to back off so I don’t say something that would hurt them. Or freak them out by showing them this side. It’s not a pleasant thing to see me when I’m like this. I don’t want people seeing it. I freeze up, I’m quiet. It’s like a calmness right before a bomb goes off. I’m just afraid of the damage it causes when it actually goes off.

Anger in a dark place

It comes in cycles. Sadness, hopelessness, the feeling of wanting to curl up and die. Then, comes the pissed off, no bullshit attitude where I don’t take anyone’s shit. I’m angry and hurt and mad at everything. I’m depressed, but pissed. I don’t sleep, which makes everything more maddening. I’m touchy, and can’t seem to actually cheer up. I have moments where I’m not in as much pain as normal.  I want to punch something. Violent video games and/or alcohol aren’t helping. Walks, baths, training, meditating, reading, nothing helps. My normal stress relievers aren’t working.

I’m productive when I’m pissed though. I can’t sleep, so I clean and pack, I advertise my business, I get shit done. I’m bold and assertive, sometimes abrasive. Not necessarily a good thing, and sometimes I use too much pressure when working a dog. In knowing this, I have chosen not to work with severely difficult dogs right now. Oh yeah, I get brave too. So, here’s my announcement.

I’m getting a divorce. My husband has moved out, and I’m moving out in the next few weeks. It’s too complicated to get into anything as to why right now, and honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. Bottom line, my security blanket is gone. My comfort level is at zero. My life is a mess, I feel like I’m floating, watching my life be torn apart. My business, my finances, my house, my mental state of mind, all dissolving.

I’m moving in with my best friends for the time being. I will still train, but I don’t do boarding, daycare, as many board and trains, or group classes. I may be able to start up group classes later in the summer, but right now, I need to focus on getting my life back together. I’m just focusing on private sessions right now, and making sure I always have at least one board and train for the next few months. I’m unhappy about having to do this, but I need to move out, and I need to move on.  And I am with the only people who make me happy. Of all the options I had, this is the best one. I need support more than I need anything right now, and I can still work and do what I love. Hopefully I’ll climb back up to the top of the cliff again…

So, as I mentioned previously, I’m shattered. I’m strong though, too. I can get through it, even though it seems I’m getting deeper and deeper in a sinking black hole. I’m not the first one to go through this, and other people have had way worse situations. I shouldn’t even be sad. There are starving kids in China, and people who don’t even have homes. I should buck up.

Invisible Battle Scars

No one can see them. No one knows they are there unless they know you or if you have told them. You don’t want to tell people. You wish it was an external wound, like an amputated leg. Then, you wouldn’t have to explain. You put on a face to hide the scars so you don’t have to talk about it.

Why do we hide it? Are we ashamed? Are we scared someone will ask us how we are? Are we too proud to accept help? Whatever the reason, we do it.

Sometimes, we get so into pretending we’re fine, that we trick ourselves. We tell people we are fine, and actually believe it for a minute. Then, after they are gone, we realize we aren’t fine. Then, the feeling is back, and we are, yet again… alone.

I feel whiney, depressed, and pathetic. A burden to everyone around me. A charity case. No one really actually wants to help, but they do out of a feeling of obligation. They pity you. Maybe this is the depression talking, but that is the reason I have such a hard time accepting help. I don’t feel like anyone would actually want to help me. Why would they want a project friend? I’m broken, and to fix me takes too much work. I try to distance myself. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I should do this alone. This road is too dark to bring anyone else along. It would be a disservice to them.

Sleeping. I don’t do this much anymore. However, I fall asleep at the most inopportune times… like at the movies, at the salon when I’m getting my hair done, when I’m trying to work, or when I’m making dinner. One time this week, I fell asleep in the shower.

I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to get up again. I’ve been kicked in the guts, and I don’t have the energy. “Do something for you” means sit around and feel mopey. I don’t want to do anything for me. I don’t want to do anything at all. I do the bare minimum to get me through the day. I’m not living. I’m surviving.

I’ll admit it now. I’m shattered.